Post 26 - Real Airline Announces "Fat Surcharge", Fake Airline Bans Smelly People

Last week United Airlines announced that they will enforce a policy of making anyone who can't pull down the armrest purchase an extra seat. Not surprisingly, the commenters (who are known for being Olympic level fitness freaks) told countless stories of icky fat people touching them during their flights and how much they hate them. Not to be outdone, Cruxxlin decided to drop a bomb.

Posted by cruxxlin on 04/17/09 at 10:14PM

Not a bad move, along with keeping all the stinking smokers off the plane as well, and the bros who smoke those little brown stink bombs called BLACK and mild, all rappers and hippity hoppers should have fly in the cargo with the rest of the pets..!

So "rappers" is code for black people (you can tell by the very subtle use of caps, not exactly the German Enigma Code) but why bring bunnies into this ugliness. Not much to say here, we just felt compelled to point out an example of such extreme unprovoked racism.


On a lighter note, let's take a trip to fantasy land, your guide for this adventure, Shellback.

Posted by shellback1 on 04/16/09 at 6:11PM
With America leading the world in avoidable obesity, and arrogant inconsideration for fellow man, its public transportation – [in the business of selling seats, not compassion], has been struggling against ever increasing dilemmas emanating mostly from egomaniacal nosey-body government bureaucracy and liberal consumer advocacy battling corporate commonsense, thus the proverbial line in the sand is well over due and must be drawn at some point in time, preferably A.S.A.P. for the nation’s sake.

In fact, several lines must be drawn. If I were to start up an airline, I would keep it purely charter and at prices affordable to the general public. However, customer satisfaction would be hypnotic with me, and likewise those I employ. Being trapped in a commercial airliner for several hours sitting next to an overweight person overlapping the armrest can be brutally uncomfortable. And if the person is even a moderate smoker; and/or drinker, or quite naturally shy on hygiene, the nose takes a real beating.

For starters I would surely adopt the two-seat provision, and because planes do not make frequent stops affording diplomatic escapes, my customers would have to traverse a several foot long tunnel harboring a scale, metal detector, odor meter, and whatever else I can come up with. Simple enough, if one does not survive the qualifying tunnel, one does not fly in my planes. No smokers, no heavy drinkers, a good bath prior to boarding, no loud mouths, proper attire, etc.

I would like to extend to the Commercial airline entities a hardy vote of thanks for a step in the right direction – Keep on stepping!

First of all, stringing together big words and playing around with overused idioms doesn't make you smart (pointing out the stupidity of stuff like that does!), especially when you turn around and say that customer satisfaction is "hypnotic". We've all felt entranced waiting in line before, but we doubt being on your fictional airline could make us cluck like a chicken when you snap your fingers. We wouldn't have to be hypnotized to give his nose a nice beating, though. All that said, we love Shellback's idea, but we'd make a few additions: (1) all planes would be flown by a well qualified and world renowned Captain (Kirk, Crunch, Lou Albano, Caveman, Kangaroo, America, Obvious, Hook, Morgan, of the Heart, Planet, Stubing); (2) the co-pilot on each flight will be Tennille; (3) passengers be allowed to step out onto the clouds during the flight to meet the Carebears; (4) seats will be made of cotton candy; and (4) all flights will depart and arrive on time. Ladies and Gentleman, Thank You for Choosing Fantasy Airways.