After Carl Crawford signed with the Red Sox (as we predicted - gotta pimp it when we get one right, please ignore the rest of the misfires), we had planned to write a post that would have resurrected the old cliche-ish cold war references and played up with rebirth of the arms race between those two teams after Cliff Lee signed with the Yankees. So what happens? The Phillies (the HATED Phillies) swoop in and sign Lee to a below market deal. Unbefuckinlievable. Couldn't be more stunned that they were the "Mystery Team" (Registered Trademark: Scott Boras) That kids is why its better to be lazy and not try to come up with story ideas in advance.
It was announced this morning (or late last night when we were sleeping) that Lee is returning to Philadelphia for $120m over 5 years ($24m per) with an "easily reachable" vesting option for the sixth, spurning larger offers from both the Texas Rangers (apparently it was too hot for him there) and the big bad New York Yankees (apparently it was too hot in a different way!! Seriously though, we love the way that now that Lee didn't sign, the New York media is breaking out all the "he was afraid of New York" garbage like they did with LeBron. Shut up you idiots. New York is a great city but not every single person in the world burns to live and work there. It's not about fear, it's about committing 7 years of your life to somewhere and wanting a different quality of life. You can go back to worshipping your new hero Amare Stoudemire now, enjoy 5 straight years of the 6 seed before his knees go bad). Despite all the assumptions that he wouldn't leave any money on the table and, accordingly, sign with the Yanks (they of course had the biggest offer) Lee opted to return to a place that he and his wife apparently loved. Gotta give him credit for that.
After the events of the past year, it's also incredibly interesting that the Phils would even be involved in the bidding. A year ago, they moved Lee after they were able to obtain Roy Halladay because: (1) Lee was committed to being a free agent and wouldn't sign and extension; and (2) they swore up and down that they couldn't afford both Halladay and Lee's presumed big pay day (Ruben Amaro made about 500 radio appearances trying to explain it to the fans). Philly fans were apoplectic, lamenting what could have been. Sure replacing Lee with Roy Oswalt eased some of the pain, but fans still felt slightly burned. Now, they have all three with Cole Hamels to boot. Apparently that budget they were so concerned about disappeared. Welcome to the arms race Philly. (if the Yanks and Sox are the USSR and USA in some order depending on your allegiances, then that makes the Phillies, China? That's cool with us, as Mets fans its easy to hate those pinko, commie bastards).
From a financial standpoint, getting Lee for $24m per and a max of 6 years is an absolute steal in this environment. With all the talk over the last few weeks of Texas and New York both being willing to go to 7 years (which would have been the equivalent of franchise death by slow poisoning), a 5-year deal, even with a 6th year option, seems positively sane. Lee is already 33 so the end of the deal might be a little rank but the majority of the contract will bring Cy Young-level production. (He'll have to retain his absurd command to maintain his dominance since he only has average stuff and if that slips at all, he could be a lot closer to the guy who was in AAA 4 years ago then the guy who dominated the last 2 postseasons. Still, we'd only out those odds at like 30%, but you've been warned Phinatics).
As a baseball move, it's also pretty unassailable. You can never ever ever have enough pitching and a rotation of Halladay, Lee, Oswalt and Hamels is absurd. Sure, having something north of $65m invested in your starting rotation isn't ideal, you can't be anything but frightened if you're going to try to beat them during the regular season. What we all have to remember is that pitching isn't the reason they didn't win the World Series last year. They went into the postseason with the one of the better performing rotations ever and lost to the Giants because they didn't hit. Lee doesn't change that. Still, they'll be better, if only by the difference from Oswalt to Lee come playoff time (though its nice to be able to buy your playoff tickets in December).
They could always decide to swap one of their pitchers for a righty bat to replace Werth. (this deal makes you wonder if the Nats hadn't gone nuts on Werth if the Phils had a chance to keep him). We doubt they won't move Hamels (who could get them almost any hitter in the league) so Oswalt would be the obvious candidate. His salary ($17m) and, we think, still valid no trade clause, makes that complicated. But, if their budget is no longer a problem, maybe they'll just go out and buy someone to fill that hole. Who knows?
Now that all the big guys are signed, it's pretty clear that the Red Sox and the Phils have separated themselves from the pack, emerging as the favorites for their respective leagues' World Series spots with the Yankees shut out and left to scramble to fill their holes through trades. (not really sure how that will turn out but if they sign Russell Martin, as expected, Montero or some other catching prospect figures to go somewhere for a pitcher.) On a totally irrelevant note: The Mets still suck. Sure, the playoffs are a lottery but we'd rather be favorites.
One quick note on the Crawford deal. We love it. He's the type of guy, an athletic hard-worker still in his prime (28) that teams should overpay. Even if his steals decline (which they will) he'll remain a great defender int he small left field of Fenway and should stay steady at 18-20 bombs a year with a good average and could make a living of going the other way and knocking doubles off the wall. Really don't see much downside in this deal.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Persnickety Project - Looking in Our Crystal Ball - Urban Meyer Goes to USC
January 10, 2012
One day after Nick Saban lead his Alabama Crimson Tide to their third BCS National Title in 4 years and a little over two years since he coached his last game, Urban Myer announced the end of his two year "retirement" and will return to the sidelines as the new head coach of the University of Southern California. Meyer will take over for the recently fired Lane Kiffin, who amidst a postseason bowl-ban and scholarship losses lead the once-feared Trojans to a combined 18-18 record in 3 seasons.
Despite citing "family concerns" and a desire to be a better father and husband as the reasons for walking away from one of the most coveted jobs in college football, the former Florida head man lasted only 2 years before recovering from his delusional state and putting his career back ahead of his family.
During the press conference announcing his return, Meyer, standing alongside USC Athletic Director Pat Haden, admitted that he hadn't quite thought through the impact of spending such large amounts of time with his family:
Meyer closed the press conference by promising USC fans and supporters he is, in fact, in it for the long haul, has no intend on walking away and ready to return USC to its past glories:
Meyer signed a six-year, $36 million contract, averaging $6m per season, which edges him past Nick Saban and Mack Brown as the highest paid coach in the FBS.
One day after Nick Saban lead his Alabama Crimson Tide to their third BCS National Title in 4 years and a little over two years since he coached his last game, Urban Myer announced the end of his two year "retirement" and will return to the sidelines as the new head coach of the University of Southern California. Meyer will take over for the recently fired Lane Kiffin, who amidst a postseason bowl-ban and scholarship losses lead the once-feared Trojans to a combined 18-18 record in 3 seasons.
Despite citing "family concerns" and a desire to be a better father and husband as the reasons for walking away from one of the most coveted jobs in college football, the former Florida head man lasted only 2 years before recovering from his delusional state and putting his career back ahead of his family.
During the press conference announcing his return, Meyer, standing alongside USC Athletic Director Pat Haden, admitted that he hadn't quite thought through the impact of spending such large amounts of time with his family:
I realized pretty quickly what a huge mistake I made. Really, it was only a couple of days before I wanted to get the hell out of that house. After spending one entire week - and I mean entire week - with my wife and daughters, I think we all realized that we really don't like each other all that much and maybe the extreme emotional distance brought about by my hectic schedule was actually a good thing. I think finally understand why Paterno plans to coach until he's 193.Meyer continued:
Think about it, if you were faced with the choice between making millions of dollars, being insanely famous and having people kiss your ass constantly or cleaning out the garage and going to college volleyball games, which would you choose? Exactly.Meyer also shared a lighter moment, remembering his last press conference, quipping:
Last time I said 'At the end of the day, I'm very convinced that you're going to be judged on how you are as a husband and as a father and not on how many bowl games we won.' I was totally full of shit. It really is all about bowl games.After the assembled media recovered from their laughter induced aneurysms, they questioned Meyer on why he didn't immediately return once he realized his mistake, he responded:
Did you see our team my last year? We were awful finishing near bottom of the SEC in every offensive category; got blown out in games against Alabama, South Carolina and Florida State and finished 7-5. I had totally whiffed on letting Cam Newton walk away while trusting that Brantley kid to replace the Lamb of god. No way I wanted back in on that sinking ship. Plus, after looking around the rest of the SEC, I thought why not wait a year or two and take a job in a much easier conference where I can win 10 games a year without breaking a sweat. It works for Jim Tressel at Ohio State, why can't it work for Urban Meyer. As expected Lane Kiffin flopped and the Southern Cal job was mine for the taking. I would like to thank Lane and his staff for waiting out all those pesky sanctions so I can start with a clean slate.Meyer also added:
Oh yeah, and I also didn't want to come off like some wishy-washy prick like Brett Favre or something. I hate that guy."The now 48-year-old Meyer indicated that he has gained new perspective during his time away, addressing both USC's past misdeeds as the reputation that his Gator program lacked discipline and promising to "do a better job of keeping that kind of thing out of the papers ... I've really learned from my past mistakes."
Meyer closed the press conference by promising USC fans and supporters he is, in fact, in it for the long haul, has no intend on walking away and ready to return USC to its past glories:
"The last two times I walked away were just knee-jerk reactions," Meyer said. "This time is just completely different."
Meyer signed a six-year, $36 million contract, averaging $6m per season, which edges him past Nick Saban and Mack Brown as the highest paid coach in the FBS.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 13
We have another thing to add to the long list of stuff that, like your sight, hearing and bladder, works a whole lot better when you’re a kid then as an adult – a black eye. I know, right. You’d think they’d still be just as fun as they always were.
Before taking a stray elbow directly to the eye socket (we actually felt the point of the elbow in our eyeball) during Monday's basketball game while playing basketball (It hurt, a lot. We yelled, dramatically. And it turned purple, immediately.) We’d had about 4 black eyes in our life (that we can recall), each when we were much younger:
1. While playing football catch in the backyard with our pops, we decided to practice diving catches … near the chain link fence. Face + Fence = Black Eye #1.
2. While waiting for a ride after ice skating on the night between the two day basketball tryouts sophomore year, one of our super cool friends decided to moon a passing car. The car, of course, contained like 4 big dudes, who got out and proceeded to beat the crap out of us. That was a really good story to tell the coach at tryouts the next day – What happened? You were ice skating? Why? Guess we'll have to make you run today!! To this day we’re convinced we made the team out of pity.
3. Playing football, foot directly to the eye. Big old shiner.
4. Last but not least, playing basketball, altercation with two guys, ass kicked again. That one came complete with a deformed skull to compliment the black eyes. (Sensing a pattern here? Apparently we need some self defense training. Maybe one where you kick the dude with the padded suit in the nuts.)
The thing is when you’re young, getting a black eye is kinda cool. Makes you feel tough. At best, people expect you got hurt playing some sort of sport (“Yeah, it hurt a lot but, of course, I kept playing.”) At worst, people think you’re dangerous, you go around fighting people and shit. ("You should see the other guy.") Maybe they even think you’re trendy and you “train MMA.” You might even get a sympathetic comment or two. It’s not that bad.
The problem is, when your an adult, you don’t get the benefit of any of those helpful assumptions. Since most normal adults aren’t playing contact sports on a routine basis, nobody thinks you got it doing something fun and productive. Everyone just looks at you weird. Instead of looking dangerous and tough, you just look crazy (What if they just think you train MMA? We’d rather be considered crazy) or like your wife kicked your ass. Any sympathetic comments you might have gotten are replaced by accusatory glances and skepticism when you give your lame explanation. Bottom line, you couldn't look any trashier if you were wearing a stained wife-beater, smoking meth and listening to Kid Rock.
Now on to the guys who gave your fantasy reputation a black eye (see what we did there?):
1. Maurice Jones Drew, RB, Jacksonville Jaguars;
If it wasn't for the out-of-nowhere seasons of Arian Foster and Peyton Hillis, MJD would probably be the fantasy MVP (given Jacksonville’s surprising season he might have an even better case for the real life award.) The man who makes Reggie Bush's career look worse every year is on pace for a huge 348 carry, 1,500 yard season and seems to keep getting better as the season progresses, dominating a traditionally tough Titans squad with 31 carries (he's like 4'8") and 186 carries in. Just the type of performance you needed from your first round pick to clinch that playoff spot.
2. Randy Moss, Wide Receiver, Tennessee Titans;
Talk of regular season fantasy MVP's, naturally leads to a discussion of busts. Awful, terrible, mind-blowing busts. This year the "King of All Busts" is our former boy Randy Moss. His 2010 season is just stunning. How do you explain one of the best receivers ever and the consensus #2 WR setting a blistering 27 catch, 375 yard pace (Sunday's 1 catch, 13 yard performance serving only to make projection seem optimistic.) We've been back and forth on Moss all year, expecting a big season only to see him moved twice and, each time, falling for his potential to star in his new digs. Suffice it to say, we've been sorely disappointed. For fun we looked back at his career and we found some precedent for Moss’ ability to simply check out of a situation – in 2006 for the Raiders, he caught only 42 passes for 553 yard. The next season he was a Patriot and exploded for 98 catches, 1,493 yards and 23 touchdowns. Certainly we can't expect that to happen again, but if he decides he wants to actually play, maybe he has a bounce back next year. That doesn’t help you this season though, but if you had Moss murdering your line-up (how to you sit a guy with that track record) you're probably done anyway.
3. Jamal Charles, Running Back, Kansas City Chiefs;
Quick, who is 3rd in the NFL in rushing? That’s right, Double AA Jamaal Charles. (How you got that one so quickly, we’ll never know.) We had our doubts about Charles before the season since he figured not to be in charge of the position due to Fantasy Vulture Thomas Jones. But who needs all the carries when you average 6.3 yards on the ones you get. While he’s losing out on touchdowns (only 3 on the year) his 1,500 yard pace and ability to give you huge games (twice over 170) make him a hands-down fantasy stud who figures only to get better. Plus, he has the distinction of being the only player in memory able to to resist the destructive power of Thomas Jones, so that counts for something. He used to be "Chris Johnson Lite" but if and when Jones moves on to destroy someone else’s fantasy season, it might be CJ who's the one being called "Lite."
4. Kyle Orton, Quarterback, Denver Broncos;
You got us Kyle. Nice work. We really fell for it this time. After 12 weeks in which you threw a touchdown in every game and went for under 200 yards only once, you picked the regular season finale to spring the joke on us and remind us that you are, in fact, Kyle Orton. We never should have trusted you in the first place, you're such a jokester. Despite his success this season (he’s on pace to obliterate his career highs in pretty much every category - 4,649 yards, 27 touchdowns), somehow the 7 for 28, 117 yard performance seems like a return to normal. Add to that lingering feeling of doom the fact that his pass-happy coach just himself fired, and you have a recipe for fantasy playoff disaster. Good luck. Serves you right.
5. Dead Horse, Offense, Buffalo Bills;
Ryan Fitzpatrick: 158 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT.
Fred Jackson: 11 caries, 42 yards, 0 TDs.
Stevie Johnson: 2 catches, 36 yards, 0 TDs.
Lee Evans: 3 catches, 72 yards, 0 TDs.
Does it count if we’re right one out of 13 weeks?
6. Ray Rice, Running Back, Baltimore Ravens;
We finally figured out the turning point of our fantasy season. If occurred about 3 minutes into the draft when we were faced with question of who to take with the 3rd overall pick. With CJ and AP off the board, we narrowed our choice down to MJD and Ray Rice. If we told you we missed the playoffs, can you guess who we picked? Yeah, it wasn’t the guy contending for fantasy MVP. At the time we figured they were so close in value that it was acceptable to let our Rutgers bias break the tie. It was going to be so much fun watching one of our favorite college players carry our team to glory. Yeah, about that. You can’t call anyone who’s on pace for over 1,100 yards a bust but his continuing lack of touchdowns (only 4 this year) and a handful of awful performances like Sunday’s 9 carry, 32 yarder (we know the Steelers defense is good but if you want to be an All-Pro you have to be better than that) don’t have owners cheering his name.
7. The Carolina Panthers, Tankers; National Football League;
We know the Panthers totally suck but how does a team get up 14-0 on a almost-as-bad Seahawks team and then just lay down and let Matt Hasselbeck (what?!?) and Marshawn Lynch (double what?!?) run up 31 unanswered points on them? Did they see their chances for the #1 pick slipping away or did they just remember how awful they are? Either way, Andrew Luck has to be thrilled at the possibility of wearing the legendary teal and white. We’d like to send a special 1998-style shout out to Mr. Lynch for deciding to break 50 yards for only the second time as a Seahawk (he had 85 total in the last 3 weeks combined) and scoring 3 touchdowns after having only 2 on the season. If he was in your line-up as opposed to the waiver-wire and you got the benefit of those 3 scores, please kill yourself.
The Stupidest Thing We Heard During Sunday Night Football
On NBC's "Sunday Night Football" coverage, pretty much everything except the game is a disaster. They seem, like so many other sports shows, seem overly concerned with entertainment with that ridiculous 45-minute Faith Hill song and the ever expanding smugness of Dan Patrick (who we used to like back in the days of "The Big Show" with Olberman) along with the holy one, Tony Dungy. Who is the audience for this crap and why is it necessary? We would assume that most people put on the football game to, you know, watch football. Are there really dudes out there who deliberately turn on Channel 4 at 8:15 to see Faith Hill singing a terrible song with a dress that barley covers her woohaa?
Anyway, what usually saves the broadcast is the Michaels-Collinsworth duo. Collinsworth, particularly, normally does such a good job of being honest and calling guys out when they screw up. As you might have guessed, we're fans of calling people out. That might be why we were so surprised to hear them discuss Donte Stallworth's appearance in the game for Baltimore, it went something like this:
And now we see Donte Stallworth who was suspended all of last season after being involved in a car accident in which a man was killed.
A car accident in which a man was killed? Is that really what happened guys? They make it sound like he and someone else smashed into each other on the way home from Sunday mass. Was O.J. involved in a knife accident in which two people were killed too? (Just kidding of course, O.J. is innocent). Did Japan missed the better part of several decades after being involved in two separate incidents in which things fell out of planes? (Oh how we love being overly dramatic to make a point) No, Stallworth wasn't just involved in an accident, he was drunk and he ran a guy over and killed him. And then he went to jail for 30 days. You can argue the details of the incident all you want but it was more than just an "accident" Guess that part just slipped the guys' minds. Unbelievable.
We get it, it's a football game and the announcers are not going to constantly bring up all the off the field stuff by calling Roethlisberger a rapist, Vick a dogkiller and Leonard Little a chronic drunk-driver and mother killer (are we the only ones who remember this happened?) but, if you are going to bring it up, at least be truthful. Spare us the bullshit lines about accidents or just don't say anything next time.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Real Baseball - Hot Stove - Why Do They Continue To Do This? Thoughts on Jeter, Gonzalez, Tulo and Werth
Without fail, every offseason, we find ourselves dumbfounded by the apparent lack of foresight and understanding shown by the majority of general managers in our major sports. There are always exceptions, but we're so delusionally sure we could do a better job, we're almost tempted to go ahead and declare our candidacy for any open general manager position but that's already been done and, though we want to be him, we can't do copy everything the Sports Guy does. Instead, we'll continue to hide behind our keyboard and dramatically denounce any ridiculous deal that might be made.
Thus far, this baseball offseason has been a bit of a mixed bag. Some deals like the one for V-Mart are good but others, as you'll see below, leaving us wondering: Why do continue to they do this?
If we're going to ask rhetorical questions to ourselves, we might as well try to answer them.
1. Because They Had To.
Derek Jeter, New York Yankees, 3 years, $51m (player option for 4th year,$56-68 million total max value with incentives based award voting point system);
We have our winner for 2010 Non-Surprise of the Year: The Yankees overpaid someone. But, did they really have a choice? Were they going to let their most popular player since Mattingly walk because the Yankees, a team that has a patent pending before the USPTO for overspending techniques, suddenly decided it was time to be fiscally responsible? No, they weren't. The only issue was by how much he would be overpaid. After a career-worst offensive display in 2010, he would probably have been worth somewhere between $9-$10m n the open market (a drastic pay cut from his $21m salary from last season) but the Yanks were never going to get him for that much, they had to pay the premium on his iconic status, his 3,000th hit and pride. So, with all those factors and after some sniping in which they insisted Jeter take a dose of reality potion (sold exclusively at Caldor), getting him int he fold for $17m and, more importantly, only 3 years, seems like a bargain.
Still, despite the necessity of the move and baring a dramatic bounce back season in 2011 (we think he’ll settle in somewhere between his 2009 and 2010 numbers), the Yanks will once again be paying premium dollars to a guy who doesn't produce at that level. And, once again, it won't matter one damn bit. Guess it's all relative when you're the Yanks.
You can add Mariano Rivera’s deal – 2 years, $30m – to this category as well. Only difference is that they didn't overpay.
2. Because It's the Right Move.
Adrian Gonzalez to the Red Sox for 3 Guys We Read Could be Good Someday.
By embracing the new paradigm of baseball, hoarding pitching, early, the Sox positioned themselves as the team that could most afford the semi-exorbitant price (we’re not going to try to pretend like we know all the scouting insights on the guys they moved but we’ll trust the reports that Casey Kelly (a guy who became a full-time pitcher only 2 years ago but is already the Sox’s top pitching prospect); Anthony Rizzo (a power hitting prospect) and Reymond Fuentes are a good return for San Diego) to acquire the biggest impact hitter available this off-season, the guy who’s so unknown that everyone knows who he is, Adrian Gonzalez. Even without being able to come to terms on an extension (Gonzalez is in the last year of his contract), it’s still the right move at the right time for a team that missed the playoffs and is trying to keep-up with the Yankees while retooling their team. Not an easy feat.
Even if they add a huge extension (something in the neighborhood of 7 years, $154m) its still the right move. 28-year old guys are the ones you are supposed to pay the big money to. Gonzalez figures to produce even better outside of the cavernous Petco and if he improves on his average of .280, 32 hrs and 99 RBIs while continuing to provide gold-glove defense, they should get their money’s worth (whatever that means in the skewed world of sports).
3. Because They Were Light-Headed From the Thin Air.
Troy Tulowitzki, 10 years, $158m, Colorado Rockies
Yeah, we hear all the great things being said about Tulo. He’s a great player, probably the best at his position in the game, coming off two excellent two-way season. The Rockies have found their Cal Ripken, an accessible superstar who plays with one team his whole career. He’s the next Jeter. He’s only 26 years old. They’re going to lose their other young stud Carlos Gonzalez (a Boras client) in the next few years. We get all that. It’s well and good but, seriously, are we still doing this 10-year contract thing? That didn’t go out the window with A-Rod and Jeter? It should have.
For all the warm and fuzzy feelings associated with locking up a fan favorite long term, the point is to win right? It seems like these deals rarely result in wins. There’s a reason the Yanks have the market pretty much cornered on this type of thing – they can afford the mistake (they can also afford other teams mistakes as evidenced by their trade for A-Rod) and can spend over it. The Rockies can’t. So, even accepting all the great things being said about him, at $15m on a mid-market team, Tulowitzki can’t just be the next Jeter. He’s got to be A-Rod, circa Texas, or Ripken in his MVP years. If he’s not, he’ll just be another really good player on a mediocre team for his entire career. And we’re not even talking about the threat of injury or that his last two years could be his career years. The length is just too excessive.
What makes it even worse is, who were they negotiating against? Nobody. The deal is really a 7-year extension to the 3 years he still had left on his prior deal. So they had plenty of time to lock him up or they could have just kept him for the next 3 years and saw how things worked out. If he had two more years like last season, couldn’t they just extend him then? The Rockies have put the fate of their entire franchise in the hands of one guy when they didn’t have to. It’s kind of absurd.
4. Because The Devil Made Them.
Jayson Werth, Washington Fucking Nationals, 7 years, $126 million
From kinda absurd to completely and utterly batshit insane, we present the Washington Nationals. Buster Olney summed it up perfectly in his blog post about the Werth signing: “To put this in perspective: The Nationals spent more money on Werth than all the free agents the franchise had signed in the previous 20 years combined.”
Yeah, after years and years of being a small market team named the Expos, the Nats have decided to jump into the deep end of the pool but they forgot their swimmies and in a panic grabbed Jayson Werth. Why? Most likely because Scott Boras, the aforementioned devil, convinced them that they’d have to pay to get a
guy to come to a bottom-dwelling Washington team and his man was just the one to overpay. He might be evil, but he’s damn effective and he’s probably right but, what about, continuing to build until your team is good enough to attract free agents WITHOUT having to overpay. You already have two potential superstars in your system (Strasburg and Harper) and another perennial All-Star in Ryan Zimmerman. How bout you make them the centerpieces instead of a 32-year old with a history of injuries and bad facial hair? Quite a novel idea, and as we know novel thinking is now exactly prevalent in our nation’s capital (Waka-Waka!).
It’s not about Werth being a bad player, he led the NL in doubles and was Top 10 in a bunch of important offensive categories, including the vaunted OPS and OPB and he’s got legit power that shouldn’t be swallowed up by the move away from Citizen’s Bank. Nor is it about need, the Washington outfield hits like a lawyer league softball team without the mail room guys. It’s about two overwhelming problems: (1) at $18m a year you’re paying for a superstar and Werth is not one - he’s never hit over .300, never driven in over 100 runs and only once hit over 30 HRs (despite playing in the Bank with guys like Howard and Utley in his line-up); and (2) he’ll be 32 next year and has a history of injuries so its not like your getting some young guy anticipating a breakout. He’s in the decline phase of his career.
Add in the fact that they’ll will be paying $17m to a 39 year old guy. And you have maybe a top 5 worst contract ever (A-Rod, Kevin Brown, Alfonso Soriano, etc.) Do teams not think about this kind of thing when they sign these deals? It’s just unconscionable.
As a bonus, let’s take a quick look at some quotes from the Nats soon to be unemployed GM:
"It kind of exemplifies phase two of the Washington Nationals' process," general manager Mike Rizzo said. "Phase one was scouting and player development, building the farm system. ... Now it's the time to go to the second phase and really compete for division titles and championships."
We disagree with that assessment, Phase 2 is clearly hamstringing your franchise for the better part of the next decade through the use of crippling contracts.
"We got the inside scoop on who the man is and who the person is," Rizzo said. "Jim is a great judge of character and clubhouse presence. He was very flowery in his praise in Jayson on and off the field. He feels, like I feel, Jayson's best days haven't been had yet."
Well shit, we didn't know the praise was flowery. We take it all back. Can’t wait for the 39-year old Jayson Werth to lead the Nats to a title and win the MVP.
Werth is the grandson of Ducky Schofield and nephew of Dick Schofield, a minor league teammate of Rizzo. In addition, Rizzo has scouted Werth since he played high-school ball. "I've been a fan of his lineage and his family," Rizzo said.
Again, completely solid reasoning, why not focus on his uncle's minor league career.
Thus far, this baseball offseason has been a bit of a mixed bag. Some deals like the one for V-Mart are good but others, as you'll see below, leaving us wondering: Why do continue to they do this?
If we're going to ask rhetorical questions to ourselves, we might as well try to answer them.
1. Because They Had To.
Derek Jeter, New York Yankees, 3 years, $51m (player option for 4th year,$56-68 million total max value with incentives based award voting point system);
We have our winner for 2010 Non-Surprise of the Year: The Yankees overpaid someone. But, did they really have a choice? Were they going to let their most popular player since Mattingly walk because the Yankees, a team that has a patent pending before the USPTO for overspending techniques, suddenly decided it was time to be fiscally responsible? No, they weren't. The only issue was by how much he would be overpaid. After a career-worst offensive display in 2010, he would probably have been worth somewhere between $9-$10m n the open market (a drastic pay cut from his $21m salary from last season) but the Yanks were never going to get him for that much, they had to pay the premium on his iconic status, his 3,000th hit and pride. So, with all those factors and after some sniping in which they insisted Jeter take a dose of reality potion (sold exclusively at Caldor), getting him int he fold for $17m and, more importantly, only 3 years, seems like a bargain.
Still, despite the necessity of the move and baring a dramatic bounce back season in 2011 (we think he’ll settle in somewhere between his 2009 and 2010 numbers), the Yanks will once again be paying premium dollars to a guy who doesn't produce at that level. And, once again, it won't matter one damn bit. Guess it's all relative when you're the Yanks.
You can add Mariano Rivera’s deal – 2 years, $30m – to this category as well. Only difference is that they didn't overpay.
2. Because It's the Right Move.
Adrian Gonzalez to the Red Sox for 3 Guys We Read Could be Good Someday.
By embracing the new paradigm of baseball, hoarding pitching, early, the Sox positioned themselves as the team that could most afford the semi-exorbitant price (we’re not going to try to pretend like we know all the scouting insights on the guys they moved but we’ll trust the reports that Casey Kelly (a guy who became a full-time pitcher only 2 years ago but is already the Sox’s top pitching prospect); Anthony Rizzo (a power hitting prospect) and Reymond Fuentes are a good return for San Diego) to acquire the biggest impact hitter available this off-season, the guy who’s so unknown that everyone knows who he is, Adrian Gonzalez. Even without being able to come to terms on an extension (Gonzalez is in the last year of his contract), it’s still the right move at the right time for a team that missed the playoffs and is trying to keep-up with the Yankees while retooling their team. Not an easy feat.
Even if they add a huge extension (something in the neighborhood of 7 years, $154m) its still the right move. 28-year old guys are the ones you are supposed to pay the big money to. Gonzalez figures to produce even better outside of the cavernous Petco and if he improves on his average of .280, 32 hrs and 99 RBIs while continuing to provide gold-glove defense, they should get their money’s worth (whatever that means in the skewed world of sports).
3. Because They Were Light-Headed From the Thin Air.
Troy Tulowitzki, 10 years, $158m, Colorado Rockies
Yeah, we hear all the great things being said about Tulo. He’s a great player, probably the best at his position in the game, coming off two excellent two-way season. The Rockies have found their Cal Ripken, an accessible superstar who plays with one team his whole career. He’s the next Jeter. He’s only 26 years old. They’re going to lose their other young stud Carlos Gonzalez (a Boras client) in the next few years. We get all that. It’s well and good but, seriously, are we still doing this 10-year contract thing? That didn’t go out the window with A-Rod and Jeter? It should have.
For all the warm and fuzzy feelings associated with locking up a fan favorite long term, the point is to win right? It seems like these deals rarely result in wins. There’s a reason the Yanks have the market pretty much cornered on this type of thing – they can afford the mistake (they can also afford other teams mistakes as evidenced by their trade for A-Rod) and can spend over it. The Rockies can’t. So, even accepting all the great things being said about him, at $15m on a mid-market team, Tulowitzki can’t just be the next Jeter. He’s got to be A-Rod, circa Texas, or Ripken in his MVP years. If he’s not, he’ll just be another really good player on a mediocre team for his entire career. And we’re not even talking about the threat of injury or that his last two years could be his career years. The length is just too excessive.
What makes it even worse is, who were they negotiating against? Nobody. The deal is really a 7-year extension to the 3 years he still had left on his prior deal. So they had plenty of time to lock him up or they could have just kept him for the next 3 years and saw how things worked out. If he had two more years like last season, couldn’t they just extend him then? The Rockies have put the fate of their entire franchise in the hands of one guy when they didn’t have to. It’s kind of absurd.
4. Because The Devil Made Them.
Jayson Werth, Washington Fucking Nationals, 7 years, $126 million
From kinda absurd to completely and utterly batshit insane, we present the Washington Nationals. Buster Olney summed it up perfectly in his blog post about the Werth signing: “To put this in perspective: The Nationals spent more money on Werth than all the free agents the franchise had signed in the previous 20 years combined.”
Yeah, after years and years of being a small market team named the Expos, the Nats have decided to jump into the deep end of the pool but they forgot their swimmies and in a panic grabbed Jayson Werth. Why? Most likely because Scott Boras, the aforementioned devil, convinced them that they’d have to pay to get a
guy to come to a bottom-dwelling Washington team and his man was just the one to overpay. He might be evil, but he’s damn effective and he’s probably right but, what about, continuing to build until your team is good enough to attract free agents WITHOUT having to overpay. You already have two potential superstars in your system (Strasburg and Harper) and another perennial All-Star in Ryan Zimmerman. How bout you make them the centerpieces instead of a 32-year old with a history of injuries and bad facial hair? Quite a novel idea, and as we know novel thinking is now exactly prevalent in our nation’s capital (Waka-Waka!).
It’s not about Werth being a bad player, he led the NL in doubles and was Top 10 in a bunch of important offensive categories, including the vaunted OPS and OPB and he’s got legit power that shouldn’t be swallowed up by the move away from Citizen’s Bank. Nor is it about need, the Washington outfield hits like a lawyer league softball team without the mail room guys. It’s about two overwhelming problems: (1) at $18m a year you’re paying for a superstar and Werth is not one - he’s never hit over .300, never driven in over 100 runs and only once hit over 30 HRs (despite playing in the Bank with guys like Howard and Utley in his line-up); and (2) he’ll be 32 next year and has a history of injuries so its not like your getting some young guy anticipating a breakout. He’s in the decline phase of his career.
Add in the fact that they’ll will be paying $17m to a 39 year old guy. And you have maybe a top 5 worst contract ever (A-Rod, Kevin Brown, Alfonso Soriano, etc.) Do teams not think about this kind of thing when they sign these deals? It’s just unconscionable.
As a bonus, let’s take a quick look at some quotes from the Nats soon to be unemployed GM:
"It kind of exemplifies phase two of the Washington Nationals' process," general manager Mike Rizzo said. "Phase one was scouting and player development, building the farm system. ... Now it's the time to go to the second phase and really compete for division titles and championships."
We disagree with that assessment, Phase 2 is clearly hamstringing your franchise for the better part of the next decade through the use of crippling contracts.
"We got the inside scoop on who the man is and who the person is," Rizzo said. "Jim is a great judge of character and clubhouse presence. He was very flowery in his praise in Jayson on and off the field. He feels, like I feel, Jayson's best days haven't been had yet."
Well shit, we didn't know the praise was flowery. We take it all back. Can’t wait for the 39-year old Jayson Werth to lead the Nats to a title and win the MVP.
Werth is the grandson of Ducky Schofield and nephew of Dick Schofield, a minor league teammate of Rizzo. In addition, Rizzo has scouted Werth since he played high-school ball. "I've been a fan of his lineage and his family," Rizzo said.
Again, completely solid reasoning, why not focus on his uncle's minor league career.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Stupid Commenter Beatdown - Reporter and George Orwell Share Laugh at Aggressive Patdown Trauma
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| "What? You think I look like a terrorist?" |
Anyway, the TSA and their full body scanners have been in the news a lot lately, have you seen this (that’s our Jay Leno impression, you should hear the high pitched nasally voice we’re doing in our head right now). Let’s take a look at an article from NJ.com about "aggresive patdowns" written by someone who is apparently both a Orwellian scholar and a man who laughs at inappropriate times. It's not about the absolute horror of a barely intelligble image of someone's wang and/or tay-tah's (we’re mature enough to use the proper words instead of “private parts”), but its fun nonetheless. Read on.
We George Orwell fans are having a wonderful time watching the Transportation Security Administration handle the botched rollout of that plan to install full-body scanners in airports.
Ahh yes, we George Orwell fans are quite amused. Just imagine the jolly times we’re having as we sip champagne cocktails and argue over which dustjacket for “Animal Farm” we prefer. In a related note, we Goerge Orwell fans are boring douches.
Central to the program is the argument from the TSA that those scans are "completely optional." I suspect Orwell would not agree.
And on what grounds might you suspect that? Strained analogy that has nothing to do with Orwell, per chance?
If I’m sitting on the beach and can decide whether to go for a swim, that swim is completely optional. If some guy from the government comes along and says if I don’t go swimming, he’ll throw me in, then swimming’s not optional.
Bingo!!
Similarly, if you opt out of the scan you get a "pat-down" of your private parts — whether you like it or not. And that pat-down is not optional as we saw in the case of the now-famous John "Don’t Touch My Junk" Tyner. On Monday, the TSA chief in San Diego held a news conference to say that Tyner faces a possible $11,000 fine for leaving a screening area and going home rather than face a pat-down.
First of all, if being pushed into water is the same as having your dinkus fondled then we need some serious therapy as a result of our childhood pool. Second, “Don’t Touch My Junk” is a spectacular nickname.
So Tyner’s options were few. But he had more options than Deborah Post of Chester Township had when she flew home from South Carolina last week. Post is 60 years old and 5 feet tall. She does not look like a suicide bomber.
And what exactly does a suicide bomber look like? A middle-aged Englishmen? A young Saudi? An American woman from Michigan?
Yet when she was leaving Myrtle Beach last week, Post was picked out of line for one of those aggressive pat-downs that are inspiring horror stories all over America. "They said they were going to search me, and in the beginning, they were polite," Post told me. "They were saying, ‘I’m going to do this. Is that okay?” Post said she refused to either consent or object.
No might not mean yes but silence apparently translates roughly to “Yes, Please.”
"They proceeded to do the pat-down without my consent," Post said. "The first woman patted me down and was going toward my breasts. She said, ‘I’m going to feel your breasts."
It’s $9.95 a word if you want to read the rest of that sentence. And we’ll need your credit card number up front.
Post was wearing a sports bra of the type women commonly wear on the streets of Myrtle Beach.
It’s Geriatric Mardi Gras!!
"I basically lifted my shirt and that set off bells and whistles," she said.
And with that, Ms. Post was declared the winner of both showcases.
"They searched my crotch, and they did it three times," she said.
Sorry, that just sounds funny.
The woman also "demanded that I lift my shirt," Post said.
But didn’t that already win you the showcase showdown? Greedy bitch.
If Orwell happened to be looking down from heaven, he had to have a laugh at that one.
Ohh Ohh, that’s one of our favorites. Like heaven is one big glass-bottomed boat. And even if it was, your telling me Goerge Orwell wouldn’t have better shit to do that peep in on airport security screenings? Also, he’d probably be pretty annoyed at the hack move of dragging out the 1984 every single friggin time the government does anything intrusive. Usually by people like us who have never even read the damn thing. After all, the book was written in 1949 and shit, the year 1984 itself was 26 years ago. Can we please get a new representation of government oversight.
First, the government spends a billion dollars to set up a system to look under citizens’ clothes. But when a citizen offers a peek, she’s threatened with arrest. Then, they ask to look under the shirt. That’s funny. But Post wasn’t laughing.
Probably because it wasn’t funny at all to her. Not even remotely. Just a guess though.
"It was awful," she said.
after having endure the reporter doubled-over as she recounted her experience.
But was it optional? If you’ve read other [hilariously funny] horror stories like this, you probably assume Post had opted out of going through the scanner. Nope. Myrtle Beach airport doesn’t have a scanner. So what were her options? "If passengers refuse to complete the screening process once they’ve started it, they could be subject to a monetary fine," TSA spokeswoman Ann Davis told me in an e-mail in which we had discussed the Tyner case.
Ok, that’s a fair point.
When I later asked Davis about the Post case, she contradicted Post’s assertion that she had not consented, stating, "Ms. Post stated repeatedly that she did not object to the screening."
Davis also stated that Post was ”asking for it” dressed in that sports bra.
I asked Davis repeatedly whether Post would have faced a fine if she had tried to opt out of the screening once it had reached that point. Davis declined to answer. So perhaps Post could have left at that point without facing a fine. But why did we get to that point? Who came up with a plan that involved having government agents grope citizens’ breasts and genitals under threat of massive fines?
Ummmmmm…….Obama!?! The Tea Party!?! Who else can we blame? Maybe it was the gays! Haven’t blamed them in awhile. First they want equal rights, now they want us groping each other. It’s just unnatural.
At some point, answering that question will no longer be optional for the TSA. In the meantime, we can ponder this Orwell quote: "Power is not a means; it is an end. The object of power is power."
Quotes are so deep. Did we mention that in addition to being boring douches, we George Orwell fans are also utterly pretentious?
Croctch searches, breasts, aggressive patdowns, with topics like this what wonder can the commenters have in store for us?
nevel175
I read the correction that all hand searches are preformed by members of the same sex. I think it would be more fun if that were optional. Trust me I would much rather have my genitals grouped by a woman. Let's see how comfortable she feels.
Yes opting out of a full body scan so you can force a poor female TSA agent to “group” your genitals (does that mean she'll put them in order, like dong, ball, balls, or maybe ball, dong, ball? Imagine the possibilities, they're utterly limited), is the absolute height of fun. And we’re guessing that checking 400 pound men with undercarriages that smell like stale parmesean cheese and who pant during the pat down isn't enjoyable for a woman. But as long as it’s fun for you, man.
Let’s just hope this guy is alone in his idiocy.
njtaxpayr688
nevel175: That's a good point! I wouldn't refuse if a nice looking FEMALE TSA worker was fondling my crotch!
Should have known better. This is like a bad bit from the “Man Show” or something. Can we get this straight, they’re looking for bombs and shit, not giving out free hand jobs. If you're that desperate, we’re pretty sure you can get a “massage” for less than the cost of a plane ticket.
ken101
We would all be a lot safer if the police could just go house to house looking for contraband and weapons without having to deal with the silliness of probable cause and search warrants. Imagine all the crime that could be prevented! And why do the police need reasonable suspicion before they ask for your consent to perform a consent search of your car during a motor vehicle stop? With all the contraband transported on our highways, the police should be able to set up check points where they will search every car. It would all be for the public safety. Oh wait, nevermind. I forgot about the Constitution: "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."
We’re as confused about thiscomment as Ken is about the principles or sarcasm.
FairfieldFox
Judge Andrew Napolitano calls the whole procedure a form of slavery. He's right. The money interests of former TSA Chief Michael Chertoff in the scan machines also needs scrutiny. Who owns th company he works for and why are taxpayers paying for a quarter of a TRILLION dollars to buy machinery that enslaves us? Janet napolitano has to go and so do the Chertoff Scanners.
I saw someone on TV say something so it must be true. The microphone in front of them proves that they’re an expert. Bob Barker says that having your pet spayed or neutered helps control the pet population. He is also right. Works ever time.
fluffyvv
It's a good thing Tyler Celementi didn't have to go through a screening like this. Hw would have jimped off the GWB for sure. At least this intrusion upon people's privacy and their privates, proves that Tyler's jump had nothing to do with an invasion of privacy. Here we have millions get video and groped, much worse that what allegedlly happened to him and there is no rush to the GWB. Imagine the traffic if there was.
We'll just leave this one alone, Fluffy has done an excellent job of being an ass all by himself.
james82
After 9-11, the sheeple demand the government do something. Now, the sheeple don't like this something, until the next "martyr" takes down a plane of innocent people. The wannabe martyrs are learning to put c-4 in their rectums, so, there really is no alternative than to profile Muslim men between the ages of 16-46, or Muslim wannabes who have visited that tourist hotspot, Pakistan. I laugh when I read in news, that there are Germans training for terrorist operations in Pakistan. You mean Muslims who immigrated to Germany, and resent the West.
Sheeple – nice, we see what you are doing there. It’s like people are sheep, right? We both grow wool, “bah” all the time and you can count us to help you fall asleep. Very clever. We do think that “wannabee muslims” should totally be profiled. Stupid rich kids living in Brooklyn pretending to be muslim, wearing really tight robes with supposed-to-be-ironic Yinka Dare jerseys.
Friday, December 3, 2010
The Persnickety Project's Holiday Gift Guide - Part 1
It's the holiday season, boys and girls!! That means its time to shop, shop, shop until your credit score drops. We at The Persnickety Project want to help you spend that money in the right way so we thought it only appropriate to take a look around at some of the "Holiday Gift Giving Guides" and find the very best gifts for you and yours. Today, we're tackling Crate and Barrel and Yahoo.com's gift section. Remember this isn't just random shit we came up with at obscure websites, someone actually had to sit down and decide that these things would make great gifts. Why can't we get that job?
Wool Robin Ornament - $5.95 (Crate and Barrel)
This charming set of ornaments will remind your drunk Uncle Joe that, when you think of them, you think of all those holidays ruined with their martini-fueled rants. A holiday classic.
The Clapper Plus - $22.43 (Walmart)
Clap On!?!? No, you better clap the hell off if you're think about picking up this little trip down memory lane for someone that you hope to speak to ever again. It's only redeeming quality is that it now comes with a remote that turns the lights on and off for when, you get tired of, you know, clapping.
Mangroomer Essential Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer - $14.99 (Amazon.com)
It's all in the name, no hiding your intentions on this one.
Wife: Honey, open this one, it's from Santa!!
Husband: Ohh, nice. Thanks Santa.
Wife: It's to help you trim you beard.
Husband: Oh, then why is it called a "Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer"? Is Santa trying to tell me something?
Wife: I'm sure Santa just thought it might come in handy, that's all.
Husband: Oh yeah, you know they have things called beard trimmer for just that purpose. I think Santa IS A GODDAMN LIAR!!
Wife: Fine, you want the truth.
Husband: I think I'm entitled.
Wife: You can't handle the truth!!
Husband: Huh?
Wife: Just kidding, You disgust me.
Snuggie Zebra - $19.99 (Anna's Linens)
That's right people, the Snuggie is back for year 3 of its 15 minutes of fame. Now, instead of just looking like a run-of-the-mill cult member, you spice it up by looking like a member of a cult of people who dress in the flesh of African plain animals.
Barbie Dream Townhouse - $179.99 (Toys R Us)
Want to set your child on a path to a lifetime of unfulfilled expectations and disappointment? Well, you're in luck because we have the new Barbie Dream Townhouse. It's a pink three-story townhouse (like that color would never get past the zoning board), complete with an elevator and roaring fireplace, that no normal person could ever afford. You might as well just save the $180 and disappoint them up front.
Deluxe Rose Art Tattoo Writer - $19.99 (Amazon.com)
This is our favorite one. It's sold under the name "My First Tramp Stamp".
Wool Robin Ornament - $5.95 (Crate and Barrel)
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| "I was told there would be a seed buffet." |
For just six dollars, you too can decorate your holiday tree with this morbidly obese bird. Plus, you get the added bonus of knowing, despite those extra holiday lbs, that, unlike this fat mess, if you were a bird you could still fly.
Drink Ornaments - $11.85 (Crate and Barrel) |
| You should see these glimmer when you're passed out under the tree. |
This charming set of ornaments will remind your drunk Uncle Joe that, when you think of them, you think of all those holidays ruined with their martini-fueled rants. A holiday classic.
The Clapper Plus - $22.43 (Walmart)
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| Ironically, The Clapper serves as a tidy metaphor for he amount of effort you put into coming up good gift idea. |
Mangroomer Essential Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer - $14.99 (Amazon.com)
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| Merry Christmas!! Your protruding hairs are scaring the neighbors. |
Wife: Honey, open this one, it's from Santa!!
Husband: Ohh, nice. Thanks Santa.
Wife: It's to help you trim you beard.
Husband: Oh, then why is it called a "Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer"? Is Santa trying to tell me something?
Wife: I'm sure Santa just thought it might come in handy, that's all.
Husband: Oh yeah, you know they have things called beard trimmer for just that purpose. I think Santa IS A GODDAMN LIAR!!
Wife: Fine, you want the truth.
Husband: I think I'm entitled.
Wife: You can't handle the truth!!
Husband: Huh?
Wife: Just kidding, You disgust me.
Snuggie Zebra - $19.99 (Anna's Linens)
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| Won't you join us? |
That's right people, the Snuggie is back for year 3 of its 15 minutes of fame. Now, instead of just looking like a run-of-the-mill cult member, you spice it up by looking like a member of a cult of people who dress in the flesh of African plain animals.
Barbie Dream Townhouse - $179.99 (Toys R Us)
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| And you thought Barbie's figure was the impossible dream. |
Deluxe Rose Art Tattoo Writer - $19.99 (Amazon.com)
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| "Look Mom, it's Chinese for "Poor Life Decision." |
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