Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 13

We have another thing to add to the long list of stuff that, like your sight, hearing and bladder, works a whole lot better when you’re a kid then as an adult – a black eye.  I know, right. You’d think they’d still be just as fun as they always were. 

Before taking a stray elbow directly to the eye socket (we actually felt the point of the elbow in our eyeball) during Monday's basketball game while playing basketball (It hurt, a lot. We yelled, dramatically.  And it turned purple, immediately.)  We’d had about 4 black eyes in our life (that we can recall), each when we were much younger:

1. While playing football catch in the backyard with our pops, we decided to practice diving catches … near the chain link fence.  Face + Fence = Black Eye #1.

2. While waiting for a ride after ice skating on the night between the two day basketball tryouts sophomore year, one of our super cool friends decided to moon a passing car. The car, of course, contained like 4 big dudes, who got out and proceeded to beat the crap out of us.  That was a really good story to tell the coach at tryouts the next day – What happened? You were ice skating? Why?  Guess we'll have to make you run today!! To this day we’re convinced we made the team out of pity.

3. Playing football, foot directly to the eye. Big old shiner.

4. Last but not least, playing basketball, altercation with two guys, ass kicked again. That one came complete with a deformed skull to compliment the black eyes. (Sensing a pattern here? Apparently we need some self defense training.  Maybe one where you kick the dude with the padded suit in the nuts.)
The thing is when you’re young, getting a black eye is kinda cool.  Makes you feel tough.  At best, people expect you got hurt playing some sort of sport (“Yeah, it hurt a lot but, of course, I kept playing.”)  At worst, people think you’re dangerous, you go around fighting people and shit.  ("You should see the other guy.") Maybe they even think you’re trendy and you “train MMA.”  You might even get a sympathetic comment or two.  It’s not that bad.

The problem is, when your an adult, you don’t get the benefit of any of those helpful assumptions.  Since most normal adults aren’t playing contact sports on a routine basis, nobody thinks you got it doing something fun and productive.  Everyone just looks at you weird.  Instead of looking dangerous and tough, you just look crazy (What if they just think you train MMA? We’d rather be considered crazy) or like your wife kicked your ass.  Any sympathetic comments you might have gotten are replaced by accusatory glances and skepticism when you give your lame explanation.  Bottom line, you couldn't look any trashier if you were wearing a stained wife-beater, smoking meth and listening to Kid Rock. 

Now on to the guys who gave your fantasy reputation a black eye (see what we did there?):

1. Maurice Jones Drew, RB, Jacksonville Jaguars;

If it wasn't for the out-of-nowhere seasons of Arian Foster and Peyton Hillis, MJD would probably be the fantasy MVP (given Jacksonville’s surprising season he might have an even better case for the real life award.)  The man who makes Reggie Bush's career look worse every year is on pace for a huge 348 carry, 1,500 yard season and seems to keep getting better as the season progresses, dominating a traditionally tough Titans squad with 31 carries (he's like 4'8") and 186 carries in.  Just the type of performance you needed from your first round pick to clinch that playoff spot.

2. Randy Moss, Wide Receiver, Tennessee Titans;

Talk of regular season fantasy MVP's, naturally leads to a discussion of busts. Awful, terrible, mind-blowing busts. This year the "King of All Busts" is our former boy Randy Moss.  His 2010 season is just stunning. How do you explain one of the best receivers ever and the consensus #2 WR setting a blistering 27 catch, 375 yard pace (Sunday's 1 catch, 13 yard performance serving only to make projection seem optimistic.) We've been back and forth on Moss all year, expecting a big season only to see him moved twice and, each time, falling for his potential to star in his new digs.  Suffice it to say, we've been sorely disappointed.  For fun we looked back at his career and we found some precedent for Moss’ ability to simply check out of a situation – in 2006 for the Raiders, he caught only 42 passes for 553 yard. The next season he was a Patriot and exploded for 98 catches, 1,493 yards and 23 touchdowns. Certainly we can't expect that to happen again, but if he decides he wants to actually play, maybe he has a bounce back next year.  That doesn’t help you this season though, but if you had Moss murdering your line-up (how to you sit a guy with that track record) you're probably done anyway.
3. Jamal Charles, Running Back, Kansas City Chiefs;

Quick, who is 3rd in the NFL in rushing? That’s right, Double AA Jamaal Charles.  (How you got that one so quickly, we’ll never know.)  We had our doubts about Charles before the season since he figured not to be in charge of the position due to Fantasy Vulture Thomas Jones.  But who needs all the carries when you average 6.3 yards on the ones you get.  While he’s losing out on touchdowns (only 3 on the year) his 1,500 yard pace and ability to give you huge games (twice over 170) make him a hands-down fantasy stud who figures only to get better.  Plus, he has the distinction of being the only player in memory able to to resist the destructive power of Thomas Jones, so that counts for something.  He used to be "Chris Johnson Lite" but if and when Jones moves on to destroy someone else’s fantasy season, it might be CJ who's the one being called "Lite."
4. Kyle Orton, Quarterback, Denver Broncos;

You got us Kyle.  Nice work.  We really fell for it this time.  After 12 weeks in which you threw a touchdown in every game and went for under 200 yards only once, you picked the regular season finale to spring the joke on us and remind us that you are, in fact, Kyle Orton.  We never should have trusted you in the first place, you're such a jokester.  Despite his success this season (he’s on pace to obliterate his career highs in pretty much every category - 4,649 yards, 27 touchdowns), somehow the 7 for 28, 117 yard performance seems like a return to normal.  Add to that lingering feeling of doom the fact that his pass-happy coach just himself fired, and you have a recipe for fantasy playoff disaster. Good luck. Serves you right.

5. Dead Horse, Offense, Buffalo Bills;

Ryan Fitzpatrick: 158 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT.

Fred Jackson: 11 caries, 42 yards, 0 TDs.

Stevie Johnson: 2 catches, 36 yards, 0 TDs.

Lee Evans: 3 catches, 72 yards, 0 TDs.

Does it count if we’re right one out of 13 weeks?

6. Ray Rice, Running Back, Baltimore Ravens;

We finally figured out the turning point of our fantasy season. If occurred about 3 minutes into the draft when we were faced with question of who to take with the 3rd overall pick. With CJ and AP off the board, we narrowed our choice down to MJD and Ray Rice.  If we told you we missed the playoffs, can you guess who we picked? Yeah, it wasn’t the guy contending for fantasy MVP.  At the time we figured they were so close in value that it was acceptable to let our Rutgers bias break the tie.  It was going to be so much fun watching one of our favorite college players carry our team to glory.  Yeah, about that. You can’t call anyone who’s on pace for over 1,100 yards a bust but his continuing lack of touchdowns (only 4 this year) and a handful of awful performances like Sunday’s 9 carry, 32 yarder (we know the Steelers defense is good but if you want to be an All-Pro you have to be better than that) don’t have owners cheering his name. 

7. The Carolina Panthers, Tankers; National Football League;

We know the Panthers totally suck but how does a team get up 14-0 on a almost-as-bad Seahawks team and then just lay down and let Matt Hasselbeck (what?!?) and Marshawn Lynch (double what?!?) run up 31 unanswered points on them?  Did they see their chances for the #1 pick slipping away  or did they just remember how awful they are?  Either way, Andrew Luck has to be thrilled at the possibility of wearing the legendary teal and white.  We’d like to send a special 1998-style shout out to Mr. Lynch for deciding to break 50 yards for only the second time as a Seahawk (he had 85 total in the last 3 weeks combined) and scoring 3 touchdowns after having only 2 on the season.  If he was in your line-up as opposed to the waiver-wire and you got the benefit of those 3 scores, please kill yourself.

The Stupidest Thing We Heard During Sunday Night Football

On NBC's "Sunday Night Football" coverage, pretty much everything except the game is a disaster.  They seem, like so many other sports shows, seem overly concerned with entertainment with that ridiculous 45-minute Faith Hill song and the ever expanding smugness of Dan Patrick (who we used to like back in the days of "The Big Show" with Olberman) along with the holy one, Tony Dungy.  Who is the audience for this crap and why is it necessary?  We would assume that most people put on the football game to, you know, watch football.  Are there really dudes out there who deliberately turn on Channel 4 at 8:15 to see Faith Hill singing a terrible song with a dress that barley covers her woohaa? 

Anyway, what usually saves the broadcast is the Michaels-Collinsworth duo.  Collinsworth, particularly, normally does such a good job of being honest and calling guys out when they screw up.  As you might have guessed, we're fans of calling people out.  That might be why we were so surprised to hear them discuss Donte Stallworth's appearance in the game for Baltimore, it went something like this:

And now we see Donte Stallworth who was suspended all of last season after being involved in a car accident in which a man was killed.

A car accident in which a man was killed?  Is that really what happened guys?  They make it sound like he and someone else smashed into each other on the way home from Sunday mass.  Was O.J. involved in a knife accident in which two people were killed too? (Just kidding of course, O.J. is innocent).  Did Japan missed the better part of several decades after being involved in two separate incidents in which things fell out of planes? (Oh how we love being overly dramatic to make a point)  No, Stallworth wasn't just involved in an accident, he was drunk and he ran a guy over and killed him.  And then he went to jail for 30 days.  You can argue the details of the incident all you want but it was more than just an "accident"  Guess that part just slipped the guys' minds.  Unbelievable.

We get it, it's a football game and the announcers are not going to constantly bring up all the off the field stuff by calling Roethlisberger a rapist, Vick a dogkiller and Leonard Little a chronic drunk-driver and mother killer (are we the only ones who remember this happened?) but, if you are going to bring it up, at least be truthful.  Spare us the bullshit lines about accidents or just don't say anything next time.

Real Baseball - Hot Stove - Why Do They Continue To Do This? Thoughts on Jeter, Gonzalez, Tulo and Werth

Without fail, every offseason, we find ourselves dumbfounded by the apparent lack of foresight and understanding shown by the majority of general managers in our major sports. There are always exceptions, but we're so delusionally sure we could do a better job, we're almost tempted to go ahead and declare our candidacy for any open general manager position but that's already been done and, though we want to be him, we can't do copy everything the Sports Guy does. Instead, we'll continue to hide behind our keyboard and dramatically denounce any ridiculous deal that might be made.


Thus far, this baseball offseason has been a bit of a mixed bag. Some deals like the one for V-Mart are good but others, as you'll see below, leaving us wondering: Why do continue to they do this?

If we're going to ask rhetorical questions to ourselves, we might as well try to answer them.

1. Because They Had To.

Derek Jeter, New York Yankees, 3 years, $51m (player option for 4th year,$56-68 million total max value with incentives based award voting point system);

We have our winner for 2010 Non-Surprise of the Year: The Yankees overpaid someone. But, did they really have a choice? Were they going to let their most popular player since Mattingly walk because the Yankees, a team that has a patent pending before the USPTO for overspending techniques, suddenly decided it was time to be fiscally responsible? No, they weren't. The only issue was by how much he would be overpaid. After a career-worst offensive display in 2010, he would probably have been worth somewhere between $9-$10m n the open market (a drastic pay cut from his $21m salary from last season) but the Yanks were never going to get him for that much, they had to pay the premium on his iconic status, his 3,000th hit and pride. So, with all those factors and after some sniping in which they insisted Jeter take a dose of reality potion (sold exclusively at Caldor), getting him int he fold for $17m and, more importantly, only 3 years, seems like a bargain.

Still, despite the necessity of the move and baring a dramatic bounce back season in 2011 (we think he’ll settle in somewhere between his 2009 and 2010 numbers), the Yanks will once again be paying premium dollars to a guy who doesn't produce at that level. And, once again, it won't matter one damn bit. Guess it's all relative when you're the Yanks.

You can add Mariano Rivera’s deal – 2 years, $30m – to this category as well. Only difference is that they didn't overpay.

2. Because It's the Right Move.

Adrian Gonzalez to the Red Sox for 3 Guys We Read Could be Good Someday.

By embracing the new paradigm of baseball, hoarding pitching, early, the Sox positioned themselves as the team that could most afford the semi-exorbitant price (we’re not going to try to pretend like we know all the scouting insights on the guys they moved but we’ll trust the reports that Casey Kelly (a guy who became a full-time pitcher only 2 years ago but is already the Sox’s top pitching prospect); Anthony Rizzo (a power hitting prospect) and Reymond Fuentes are a good return for San Diego) to acquire the biggest impact hitter available this off-season, the guy who’s so unknown that everyone knows who he is, Adrian Gonzalez. Even without being able to come to terms on an extension (Gonzalez is in the last year of his contract), it’s still the right move at the right time for a team that missed the playoffs and is trying to keep-up with the Yankees while retooling their team. Not an easy feat.

Even if they add a huge extension (something in the neighborhood of 7 years, $154m) its still the right move. 28-year old guys are the ones you are supposed to pay the big money to. Gonzalez figures to produce even better outside of the cavernous Petco and if he improves on his average of .280, 32 hrs and 99 RBIs while continuing to provide gold-glove defense, they should get their money’s worth (whatever that means in the skewed world of sports).

3. Because They Were Light-Headed From the Thin Air.

Troy Tulowitzki, 10 years, $158m, Colorado Rockies

Yeah, we hear all the great things being said about Tulo. He’s a great player, probably the best at his position in the game, coming off two excellent two-way season. The Rockies have found their Cal Ripken, an accessible superstar who plays with one team his whole career. He’s the next Jeter. He’s only 26 years old. They’re going to lose their other young stud Carlos Gonzalez (a Boras client) in the next few years. We get all that. It’s well and good but, seriously, are we still doing this 10-year contract thing? That didn’t go out the window with A-Rod and Jeter? It should have.

For all the warm and fuzzy feelings associated with locking up a fan favorite long term, the point is to win right? It seems like these deals rarely result in wins. There’s a reason the Yanks have the market pretty much cornered on this type of thing – they can afford the mistake (they can also afford other teams mistakes as evidenced by their trade for A-Rod) and can spend over it. The Rockies can’t. So, even accepting all the great things being said about him, at $15m on a mid-market team, Tulowitzki can’t just be the next Jeter. He’s got to be A-Rod, circa Texas, or Ripken in his MVP years. If he’s not, he’ll just be another really good player on a mediocre team for his entire career. And we’re not even talking about the threat of injury or that his last two years could be his career years. The length is just too excessive.

What makes it even worse is, who were they negotiating against? Nobody. The deal is really a 7-year extension to the 3 years he still had left on his prior deal. So they had plenty of time to lock him up or they could have just kept him for the next 3 years and saw how things worked out. If he had two more years like last season, couldn’t they just extend him then? The Rockies have put the fate of their entire franchise in the hands of one guy when they didn’t have to. It’s kind of absurd.

4. Because The Devil Made Them.

Jayson Werth, Washington Fucking Nationals, 7 years, $126 million

From kinda absurd to completely and utterly batshit insane, we present the Washington Nationals. Buster Olney summed it up perfectly in his blog post about the Werth signing: “To put this in perspective: The Nationals spent more money on Werth than all the free agents the franchise had signed in the previous 20 years combined.”

Yeah, after years and years of being a small market team named the Expos, the Nats have decided to jump into the deep end of the pool but they forgot their swimmies and in a panic grabbed Jayson Werth. Why? Most likely because Scott Boras, the aforementioned devil, convinced them that they’d have to pay to get a
guy to come to a bottom-dwelling Washington team and his man was just the one to overpay. He might be evil, but he’s damn effective and he’s probably right but, what about, continuing to build until your team is good enough to attract free agents WITHOUT having to overpay. You already have two potential superstars in your system (Strasburg and Harper) and another perennial All-Star in Ryan Zimmerman. How bout you make them the centerpieces instead of a 32-year old with a history of injuries and bad facial hair? Quite a novel idea, and as we know novel thinking is now exactly prevalent in our nation’s capital (Waka-Waka!).

It’s not about Werth being a bad player, he led the NL in doubles and was Top 10 in a bunch of important offensive categories, including the vaunted OPS and OPB and he’s got legit power that shouldn’t be swallowed up by the move away from Citizen’s Bank. Nor is it about need, the Washington outfield hits like a lawyer league softball team without the mail room guys. It’s about two overwhelming problems: (1) at $18m a year you’re paying for a superstar and Werth is not one - he’s never hit over .300, never driven in over 100 runs and only once hit over 30 HRs (despite playing in the Bank with guys like Howard and Utley in his line-up); and (2) he’ll be 32 next year and has a history of injuries so its not like your getting some young guy anticipating a breakout. He’s in the decline phase of his career.

Add in the fact that they’ll will be paying $17m to a 39 year old guy. And you have maybe a top 5 worst contract ever (A-Rod, Kevin Brown, Alfonso Soriano, etc.) Do teams not think about this kind of thing when they sign these deals? It’s just unconscionable.

As a bonus, let’s take a quick look at some quotes from the Nats soon to be unemployed GM:

"It kind of exemplifies phase two of the Washington Nationals' process," general manager Mike Rizzo said. "Phase one was scouting and player development, building the farm system. ... Now it's the time to go to the second phase and really compete for division titles and championships."


We disagree with that assessment, Phase 2 is clearly hamstringing your franchise for the better part of the next decade through the use of crippling contracts.

"We got the inside scoop on who the man is and who the person is," Rizzo said. "Jim is a great judge of character and clubhouse presence. He was very flowery in his praise in Jayson on and off the field. He feels, like I feel, Jayson's best days haven't been had yet."

Well shit, we didn't know the praise was flowery. We take it all back. Can’t wait for the 39-year old Jayson Werth to lead the Nats to a title and win the MVP.

Werth is the grandson of Ducky Schofield and nephew of Dick Schofield, a minor league teammate of Rizzo. In addition, Rizzo has scouted Werth since he played high-school ball. "I've been a fan of his lineage and his family," Rizzo said.

Again, completely solid reasoning, why not focus on his uncle's minor league career. 

Stupid Commenter Beatdown - Reporter and George Orwell Share Laugh at Aggressive Patdown Trauma

"What?  You think I look like a terrorist?"

And we're back with another exciting episode of Stupid Commenter Beatdown for our 23 (soon to be 25?) followers!!  We can feel our influence growing by the minute. Feel the Power of The Persnickety Project!! Or not, really, whatever you feel like doing. 

Anyway, the TSA and their full body scanners have been in the news a lot lately, have you seen this (that’s our Jay Leno impression, you should hear the high pitched nasally voice we’re doing in our head right now). Let’s take a look at an article from NJ.com about "aggresive patdowns" written by someone who is apparently both a Orwellian scholar and a man who laughs at inappropriate times.  It's not about the absolute horror of a barely intelligble image of someone's wang and/or tay-tah's (we’re mature enough to use the proper words instead of “private parts”), but its fun nonetheless.  Read on.

We George Orwell fans are having a wonderful time watching the Transportation Security Administration handle the botched rollout of that plan to install full-body scanners in airports.

Ahh yes, we George Orwell fans are quite amused.  Just imagine the jolly times we’re having as we sip champagne cocktails and argue over which dustjacket for “Animal Farm” we prefer.  In a related note, we Goerge Orwell fans are boring douches.

Central to the program is the argument from the TSA that those scans are "completely optional." I suspect Orwell would not agree.

And on what grounds might you suspect that? Strained analogy that has nothing to do with Orwell, per chance?

If I’m sitting on the beach and can decide whether to go for a swim, that swim is completely optional. If some guy from the government comes along and says if I don’t go swimming, he’ll throw me in, then swimming’s not optional.

Bingo!!

Similarly, if you opt out of the scan you get a "pat-down" of your private parts — whether you like it or not. And that pat-down is not optional as we saw in the case of the now-famous John "Don’t Touch My Junk" Tyner. On Monday, the TSA chief in San Diego held a news conference to say that Tyner faces a possible $11,000 fine for leaving a screening area and going home rather than face a pat-down.

First of all, if being pushed into water is the same as having your dinkus fondled then we need some serious therapy as a result of our childhood pool. Second, “Don’t Touch My Junk” is a spectacular nickname.
So Tyner’s options were few. But he had more options than Deborah Post of Chester Township had when she flew home from South Carolina last week. Post is 60 years old and 5 feet tall. She does not look like a suicide bomber.

And what exactly does a suicide bomber look like? A middle-aged Englishmen? A young Saudi? An American woman from Michigan?

Yet when she was leaving Myrtle Beach last week, Post was picked out of line for one of those aggressive pat-downs that are inspiring horror stories all over America. "They said they were going to search me, and in the beginning, they were polite," Post told me. "They were saying, ‘I’m going to do this. Is that okay?” Post said she refused to either consent or object.

No might not mean yes but silence apparently translates roughly to “Yes, Please.”

"They proceeded to do the pat-down without my consent," Post said. "The first woman patted me down and was going toward my breasts. She said, ‘I’m going to feel your breasts."

It’s $9.95 a word if you want to read the rest of that sentence. And we’ll need your credit card number up front.

Post was wearing a sports bra of the type women commonly wear on the streets of Myrtle Beach.

It’s Geriatric Mardi Gras!!

"I basically lifted my shirt and that set off bells and whistles," she said.

And with that, Ms. Post was declared the winner of both showcases.

"They searched my crotch, and they did it three times," she said.

Sorry, that just sounds funny.

The woman also "demanded that I lift my shirt," Post said.

But didn’t that already win you the showcase showdown? Greedy bitch.

If Orwell happened to be looking down from heaven, he had to have a laugh at that one.

Ohh Ohh, that’s one of our favorites. Like heaven is one big glass-bottomed boat. And even if it was, your telling me Goerge Orwell wouldn’t have better shit to do that peep in on airport security screenings? Also, he’d probably be pretty annoyed at the hack move of dragging out the 1984 every single friggin time the government does anything intrusive.  Usually by people like us who have never even read the damn thing.  After all, the book was written in 1949 and shit, the year 1984 itself was 26 years ago. Can we please get a new representation of government oversight.

First, the government spends a billion dollars to set up a system to look under citizens’ clothes. But when a citizen offers a peek, she’s threatened with arrest. Then, they ask to look under the shirt. That’s funny. But Post wasn’t laughing.

Probably because it wasn’t funny at all to her. Not even remotely. Just a guess though.

"It was awful," she said.

after having endure the reporter doubled-over as she recounted her experience.

But was it optional? If you’ve read other [hilariously funny] horror stories like this, you probably assume Post had opted out of going through the scanner. Nope. Myrtle Beach airport doesn’t have a scanner. So what were her options? "If passengers refuse to complete the screening process once they’ve started it, they could be subject to a monetary fine," TSA spokeswoman Ann Davis told me in an e-mail in which we had discussed the Tyner case.

Ok, that’s a fair point.

When I later asked Davis about the Post case, she contradicted Post’s assertion that she had not consented, stating, "Ms. Post stated repeatedly that she did not object to the screening."

Davis also stated that Post was ”asking for it” dressed in that sports bra.

I asked Davis repeatedly whether Post would have faced a fine if she had tried to opt out of the screening once it had reached that point. Davis declined to answer. So perhaps Post could have left at that point without facing a fine. But why did we get to that point? Who came up with a plan that involved having government agents grope citizens’ breasts and genitals under threat of massive fines?

Ummmmmm…….Obama!?! The Tea Party!?! Who else can we blame? Maybe it was the gays! Haven’t blamed them in awhile. First they want equal rights, now they want us groping each other. It’s just unnatural.

At some point, answering that question will no longer be optional for the TSA. In the meantime, we can ponder this Orwell quote: "Power is not a means; it is an end. The object of power is power."

Quotes are so deep.  Did we mention that in addition to being boring douches, we George Orwell fans are also utterly pretentious?

Croctch searches, breasts, aggressive patdowns, with topics like this what wonder can the commenters have in store for us?

nevel175
I read the correction that all hand searches are preformed by members of the same sex. I think it would be more fun if that were optional. Trust me I would much rather have my genitals grouped by a woman. Let's see how comfortable she feels.

Yes opting out of a full body scan so you can force a poor female TSA agent to “group” your genitals (does that mean she'll put them in order, like dong, ball, balls, or maybe ball, dong, ball?  Imagine the possibilities, they're utterly limited), is the absolute height of fun. And we’re guessing that checking 400 pound men with undercarriages that smell like stale parmesean cheese and who pant during the pat down isn't enjoyable for a woman.  But as long as it’s fun for you, man.

Let’s just hope this guy is alone in his idiocy.

njtaxpayr688
nevel175: That's a good point! I wouldn't refuse if a nice looking FEMALE TSA worker was fondling my crotch!


Should have known better. This is like a bad bit from the “Man Show” or something. Can we get this straight, they’re looking for bombs and shit, not giving out free hand jobs. If you're that desperate, we’re pretty sure you can get a “massage” for less than the cost of a plane ticket.

ken101
We would all be a lot safer if the police could just go house to house looking for contraband and weapons without having to deal with the silliness of probable cause and search warrants. Imagine all the crime that could be prevented! And why do the police need reasonable suspicion before they ask for your consent to perform a consent search of your car during a motor vehicle stop? With all the contraband transported on our highways, the police should be able to set up check points where they will search every car. It would all be for the public safety. Oh wait, nevermind. I forgot about the Constitution: "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

We’re as confused about thiscomment as Ken is about the principles or sarcasm.

FairfieldFox
Judge Andrew Napolitano calls the whole procedure a form of slavery. He's right. The money interests of former TSA Chief Michael Chertoff in the scan machines also needs scrutiny. Who owns th company he works for and why are taxpayers paying for a quarter of a TRILLION dollars to buy machinery that enslaves us? Janet napolitano has to go and so do the Chertoff Scanners.

I saw someone on TV say something so it must be true. The microphone in front of them proves that they’re an expert. Bob Barker says that having your pet spayed or neutered helps control the pet population.  He is also right. Works ever time.

fluffyvv
It's a good thing Tyler Celementi didn't have to go through a screening like this. Hw would have jimped off the GWB for sure. At least this intrusion upon people's privacy and their privates, proves that Tyler's jump had nothing to do with an invasion of privacy. Here we have millions get video and groped, much worse that what allegedlly happened to him and there is no rush to the GWB. Imagine the traffic if there was.

We'll just leave this one alone, Fluffy has done an excellent job of being an ass all by himself.  

james82
After 9-11, the sheeple demand the government do something. Now, the sheeple don't like this something, until the next "martyr" takes down a plane of innocent people. The wannabe martyrs are learning to put c-4 in their rectums, so, there really is no alternative than to profile Muslim men between the ages of 16-46, or Muslim wannabes who have visited that tourist hotspot, Pakistan. I laugh when I read in news, that there are Germans training for terrorist operations in Pakistan. You mean Muslims who immigrated to Germany, and resent the West.

Sheeple – nice, we see what you are doing there. It’s like people are sheep, right? We both grow wool, “bah” all the time and you can count us to help you fall asleep. Very clever. We do think that “wannabee muslims” should totally be profiled.  Stupid  rich kids living in Brooklyn pretending to be muslim, wearing really tight robes with supposed-to-be-ironic Yinka Dare jerseys.

The Persnickety Project's Holiday Gift Guide - Part 1

It's the holiday season, boys and girls!! That means its time to shop, shop, shop until your credit score drops.  We at The Persnickety Project want to help you spend that money in the right way so we thought it only appropriate to take a look around at some of the "Holiday Gift Giving Guides" and find the very best gifts for you and yours.  Today, we're tackling Crate and Barrel and Yahoo.com's gift section.  Remember this isn't just random shit we came up with at obscure websites, someone actually had to sit down and decide that these things would make great gifts.  Why can't we get that job?

Wool Robin Ornament - $5.95 (Crate and Barrel)

"I was told there would be a seed buffet."

For just six dollars, you too can decorate your holiday tree with this morbidly obese bird.  Plus, you get the added bonus of knowing, despite those extra holiday lbs, that, unlike this fat mess, if you were a bird you could still fly.

Drink Ornaments - $11.85 (Crate and Barrel)

You should see these glimmer when
you're passed out under the tree.

This charming set of ornaments will remind your drunk Uncle Joe that, when you think of them, you think of all those holidays ruined with their martini-fueled rants.  A holiday classic. 


The Clapper Plus - $22.43 (Walmart)

Ironically, The Clapper serves as a tidy metaphor for he
amount of effort you put into coming up good gift idea.

Clap On!?!?  No, you better clap the hell off if you're think about picking up this little trip down memory lane for someone that you hope to speak to ever again.  It's only redeeming quality is that it now comes with a remote that turns the lights on and off for when, you get tired of, you know, clapping.

Mangroomer Essential Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer - $14.99 (Amazon.com)

Merry Christmas!!
Your protruding hairs are scaring the neighbors.

It's all in the name, no hiding your intentions on this one.

Wife:  Honey, open this one, it's from Santa!!

Husband:  Ohh, nice.  Thanks Santa.

Wife:  It's to help you trim you beard.

Husband:  Oh, then why is it called a "Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer"?  Is Santa trying to tell me something?

Wife:  I'm sure Santa just thought it might come in handy, that's all.

Husband:  Oh yeah, you know they have things called beard trimmer for just that purpose.  I think Santa IS A GODDAMN LIAR!!

Wife:  Fine, you want the truth.  

Husband:  I think I'm entitled. 

Wife:  You can't handle the truth!!

Husband:  Huh?

Wife:  Just kidding, You disgust me.

Snuggie Zebra - $19.99 (Anna's Linens)

Won't you join us?

That's right people, the Snuggie is back for year 3 of its 15 minutes of fame.  Now, instead of just looking like a run-of-the-mill cult member, you spice it up by looking like a member of a cult of people who dress in the flesh of African plain animals.


Barbie Dream Townhouse - $179.99 (Toys R Us)

And you thought Barbie's figure was the impossible dream.

Want to set your child on a path to a lifetime of unfulfilled expectations and disappointment?  Well, you're in luck because we have the new Barbie Dream Townhouse.  It's a pink three-story townhouse (like that color would never get past the zoning board), complete with an elevator and roaring fireplace, that no normal person could ever afford.  You might as well just save the $180 and disappoint them up front.

Deluxe Rose Art Tattoo Writer - $19.99 (Amazon.com)

"Look Mom, it's Chinese for "Poor Life Decision."

This is our favorite one.  It's sold under the name "My First Tramp Stamp".

Real Basketball - Heat Stroke

The hardest part about this one was coming up with a headline. Yeah, that’s the best we could come up with. Got a better suggestion?


Heat Stroke did seem appropriate since the Miami offense looks like it has some sort of brain clot. All the symptoms are there – they’re unsure of their movements, tripping over themselves, making bad decisions, making the occasional angry and/or racist outburst. Wait, we’re confusing them with grandpa on that last one. Anyway on the issue at hand. How does a team with 2 of the best 3 or 4 players in the world and a third guy who appeared to be solidly in the Top 20, look so bad on offense? Who’s to blame? Coach Spoelstra? (Anyone else reminded of that fat replacement that was used in Lays potato chips that gave everyone diarrhea when we hear that name?) Pat Riley? The crappy Miami fans? Karma’s bitchiness? To us its easy, none of the above. The only place to put the blame is squarely on the shoulders of the self-proclaimed …. what are they calling themselves these days? Miami Lice? The Supersucks?

The problem on offense is pretty simple really, right now they’re essentially a pick-up team with too many star players who aren’t used to playing with other stars. Sure, they’re talented enough to blow out a Detroit once in awhile but they’re nowhere need clicking. Despite the overwhelming collective talent of LeBron, Bosh and Wade, these guy just don’t know how to play with equals in this type of pressure situation (the Olympics is completely different, lesser athletes, different rules, etc.). These guys have spent almost their entire NBA careers being “The Man” on their team. Now, they’re in a situation where they’re one of many and it’s not always an easy transition. In fact, sometimes it’s harder to be as productive when surrounded by great players. How? It’s about roles.

We know it sounds counterintuitive but when your job was to beat double teams, finish through contact, and shoot off the dribble you get used to doing that sort of thing and, if you’re like these guys, you get quite good at it to the detriment of some of your other skills, like spotting up and hitting the open 20-footer. It’s a universal basketball principle. You don’t even have to be a guy identified by one name to understand. If you’ve ever been in a game where you are one of the best 3-5 players in the gym on a consistent basis, you get what they’ll going through. In any game, the best guys (relatively speaking) have the responsibility to score and make plays for other guys. They have the ball all the time and, when they succeed, they start to gain a (sometimes misplaced) confidence that everything they do on offense, from shot selection to decisions on when and where to pass are pretty much infallible. Nothing feels forced. The result? They shoot a high percentages on difficult shots, score in bunches, get assists, rebound, etc. So, what happens when three of these guys end up on the same team? Most of the time, they struggle. They try to be too nice, over passing, trying to get out of the way, turning the ball over, taking bad shots. Basically, they stop doing all the things that made them effective in the first place in an effort to take advantage of their teammates. It comes back to that confidence thing, that runner in the lane that they thought was a good shot no longer looks as good compared to kicking it to the open guy in the corner so they hesitate and take a shot they’re not committed to (those never ever go in) or try to make a pass that inevitably comes too late. Once that doubt creeps in and you start thinking, the confidence goes, you miss shots you’d normally make, start turning the ball over like crazy and you get the exact same mess so see most of the time Miami plays right now. Don’t get us wrong, none of this should be permanent. These guys are too talented to not adapt and eventually they’ll get comfortable, roles will become more defined, and the offense will start to click.

There are two other things that concern us though.

First, how is the LeBron/Wade hierarchy is going to work out? Let’s all be real, Wade is great, but LeBron is better - a historically significant and unique talent – and they can’t attempt to stand on totally equal footing if the team is going to succeed. With any basketball duo, even those with close to equal talent, the guys have to at least come to a tacit understanding that one will pay off the other. This “taking turns” crap just doesn’t work long term. You need a “default mode.” If you look at the two most recent combos of Top 10 guys at or near their peaks (Jordan/Pippen & Shaq/Kobe), they worked when they had a default mode – Jordan and Shaq as king and Pippen and Kobe working around them. The Bulls made it work for 6 titles but the Lakers falling apart when Kobe decided he wanted to reprogram while Shaq was still viable (lazy but still viable). To maximize their effectiveness, the Heat have to find their default setting and it has to be with LeBron as the #1 guy. He doesn’t have to be the leading scorer, but he has to be the guy with the ball who directs the offense. LeBron’s the better passer, ball handler and distributor. He’s the bigger mismatch and the guy you have to hitch your wagon to. Wade needs to adapt and become comfortable in a new role, playing off LeBron, cutting off his drives, moving without the ball and taking over when LeBron isn’t in the game. The problem is that, technically, it’s still Wade’s team. If they had gone to the Bulls or Knicks it wouldn’t be nearly the same issue but Wade has been a Heat (?) his entire career, won a championship and is beloved by all 273 of their fans. Additionally, the coach doesn’t have the juice to tell Wade to take a backseat and we doubt there’s anyone in the organization (even the deified Pat Riley) who’s going to challenge the face of the franchise. If things are going to work in this battle of titanic egos (that’s not necessarily meant as an insult), Wade needs to be the bigger man - the elder statesmen - and compromise (like a parent bowing to their kids needs once in awhile) in the interests of winning championships. If he doesn’t they don’t win. Plain and simple.

The second issue we see with this year’s team is that since these guys are so used to being the “star” they don’t know how to do the dirty work that’s needed to win. A team can probably get by with a 2-3 star/worker ratio but when its tipped to 3-2 like the Heat have, they’re bound to fall short. The thing about being a star, particularly in the NBA, is that the team is build completely around you, to maximize YOUR talents with complimentary players. Take Bosh for example, he’s a skilled 6’10’ guy who put up solid rebounding numbers throughout his whole career but know he’s a disaster on the boards. When he signed with Miami, we all figured he’d continue to rebound at a high rate and help protect the paint. What we overlooked was that in Toronto, the team was built for him to succeed with guys put on the floor whose job it was to make him look good. They did all the dirty work, boxing out, etc. that let Bosh get the glory. Now, Bosh is the one who has to get his hands dirty. He’s just not that guy. At some point the Heat will get a big guy to block shots and they’ll need to since Bosh is about as soft as cotton in the lane. Same goes for LeBron and Wade, they used to get all type of blocks and steals when they could be the lone wolf in the team defensive concept – now that they are the defensive concept, it’s not quite as easy. They need to understand how to support each other and do all the fighting that their teammates had always done for them. When you make up 3/5 of the team, you no longer have a choice.

Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 12

Welcome to Walmart.
May I kill your soul?

Black Friday + Walmart = Morning Ruined. 

Because Rutgers scheduled their weekly embarrassment for 11 A.M. on Black Friday morning (it's not possible to come up with a worse time if you were actually trying to), we roused ourselves out of our tryptophan-aided slumber at 6 to avoid missing out on what has become a yearly tradition for us, watching our neighbors conduct the "American Black Friday Ritual."  It's a three step process: (1) Show up to store on 2 hours of sleep with 300 other people all going after the same sale item only to realize the store had 3 in stock; (2) Become irrationally angry when the item is predictably sold out and that guy over there got 2; and (3) Spend a bunch of money on stuff they really don't need anyway. 

We try not to get caught up in it too much maybe picking up a few things that we already had on our lists to by.  For us, it's all about the experience.By the time we get out, the true insanity of the morning has already pretty much died down but there's still that of mania in the air that makes it fun.  At Walmart, however, that hint is more of an overpowering stench. 

When we approached the big blue entrance and saw the middle-aged "Greeter" with his head resting the outer door contemplating many of his life choices, we should have turned around.  Not to be deterred by the warning, we forged ahead.  By the time we got into the store we were welcomed not only by the distinct smell of Arkansas but also the sight of Walmart employees literally throwing shitty, cheap toys onto a display and people grabbing them almost as fast as they went up under the mistaken impression that they must be something good if they're being put out with such gusto. 

At that point, we did away with any niceties and made a bee-line through the cereal aisle (oh look, Lucky Charms are on sale!!) towards our destination - electronics, the home of $37 video games.  On our way we dodged the people attempting to lay on top of a 32" TV box to protect their deals.  Guess we're not buying another TV today.

Electronics was the worst of all, resembling what we imagine an Afghan Bazaar to be.  It was utter chaos, complete with lots of people running around speaking languages we don't understand, sketchy salespeople and no help in sight.  Of course, the $37 video games were either gone or never existed in the first place.  As we fled past the two employees, each missing many more teeth than meals, blocking an aisle complaining about the customers (you wonder why the customers are pissed when instead of helping your hiding in towels bitching?) towards our safe haven, the comparatively serene Target.  Yep, we're those people.   

1. Tom Coughlin, Coach, New York Giants;

Really, Tom?  You had to go and bench Ahmad Bradshaw in favor of The Man-Child this week?   Couldn’t have done it BEFORE the fantasy trade deadline or at least given some indication that a change might be afoot?  It's not like his fumbling problems are anything new.  Or like we decided, on the eve of the deadline, to move one of our 3 starting caliber runners for some wide receiver help.  Or that after realizing that Bradshaw, at 24-year, had already put himself in the top 5 in rushing.  Of that no sane person would figure with those numbers he'd lose his job.  Of that we made the decision to move someone else and make Ahmad the centerpiece of our keeper team.  And in no way are we now royally fucked because we traded all our depth for a title run and there isn't crap left on the waiver wire.  No, none of that happened at all. 

On the bright side, owners who kept Jacobs around had their patience (laziness?) rewarded and now have a guy who looked pretty good with 87 yards on 14 carries (6.2 per) Sunday on their bench.  We guess Bradshaw steadily earns his carries back over the remaining weeks and tips the scales back in his favor simply because he's better but he certainly can't expect the full load like he had through the first 11.

2. Frank Gore, RB/Elderly Man, San Francisco 49ers;

Can someone get this guy a glass of milk?  Gore earns the rare back-to-back FU for suffering an injury normally reserved for those possessing brittle, osteoporosis riddled bones - a broken hip.  WFT is that?  After getting off to such a great start (10 carries, 52 yards) before becoming infirm, owners can only wonder how much of the 200 or so yards rolled up by the Niners would have been his.  It's too early to tell what, if any, impact the injury will have on Gore heading into next year (early reports are it won't hinder his return for the beginning of the season) but the effect on fantasy teams is like becoming incontinent, nothing you can do but try your best to cover it up and go about your day.  It's too late for trades so grab the oft-concussed Brian Westbrook (136 yards and a touchdown on Monday night) and if you miss out on him, take a shot at Anthony Dixon for when Westbrook becomes concussed yet again.  Looks like we named the "Frank Gore Pledge" from last week's column was aptly named, huh?

3.  Stevie Johnson, WR/Worship-Tweeter, Buffalo Bills;

Not sure how to cope with him dropping the game winning 50-yard TD pass, maybe we should just tweet about it.

WE START YOU 24/7!!!!!!! AND THIS IS HOW YOU DO US!!!!! YOU EXPECT US TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! WELL NEVER FORGET HOW THIS!! EVER!!  THX THO...

4.  Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans;

Ladies and gentleman, your consensus #1 overall fantasy pick - 7 carries, 5 yards.  Doesn't it seem like CJ has been a bust this year?  After all the well-deserved hype and accolades last year he's been awfully quiet, right?  Well, its more a function of fantasy's increasing unpredictability then anything CJ has done wrong.  Despite a distinct lack of highlight reel runs and Sportscenter highlights, Johnson still has 973 yards and is on pace for about 1400.  Sure, that's 600 under where we was last year but he still ranks 6th in the league.  Not exactly a bust but not the transcendent season some expected.  Still, as long as the Titans offense continues to be guided by guys with names like Rusty and Kerry, there could be more disappointing weeks ahead. 

5.  Dwayne Bowe, WR, Kansas City Chiefs; 

We probably don't need to tell you this but Bowe has suddenly morphed into vintage Jerry Rice.  His 13 catch, 170 yard, 3 TD performance was spectacular, a performance that most guys would kill to have just once in their career.  Bowe?  He's gone 13 catches, 150+ and 2+ TD twice in the last 3 weeks.  If you remember our skepticism earlier in the year, you'll know we're stunned by the breakout then you are that we were wrong.  Despite the 32 catches in the past 3 weeks, Bowe is only a shade above 50 for the year but what makes him a super-stud is his 14 touchdowns on the year.  If he keeps up this pace he could challenge Randy Moss' (remember when he used to be good?  Us neither) mark of 23 in a season.

6.  Vincent Jackson, Inactive, San Diego Chargers;

It always seems like a great idea on draft day to grab the guy who's going to miss a few weeks when he's sitting there way way later than he normally would be.  You get excited by idea of plugging him into your line-up in Week 6 and feeling like an Enron executive as you get 2nd round production from your 6th round pick.  Unfortunately, it rarely works out that way.  After drafting V-Jax, attempting to trade him, hoping he'd get traded in real life to a team without A.J. (which we believe stands for "Asshole Jerk" in this instance) Smith as its GM, and then waiting patiently for his big debut in Week 12 only to watch him play one series before leaving an injury, its time for us to admit we wasted a pick (one of many this year).  Apparently he'll be out for another several weeks with the injury making it unlikely you'll even get playoff production from him.  Well played, Us.

7.  Anquan Boldin, WR, Baltimore Ravens;

In a world of spectacular fantasy busts like Randy Moss, it's easy to overlook one of the more subtle, yet still epic, busts of the year, Anquan Boldin.  Boldin - a guy who used to regularly give you triple-digit reception seasons - created a ton of excitement as when he finally got his change to be the go-to guy, moving out of the shadow of Larry Fitzgerald, on a team with an up and coming young QB in Joe Flacco.  We're going to go out on a limb and guess that performances like Sunday's 3 catch, 27 yard nothing were not part of those big expectations.  Boldin's been in a word "craptacular."  His 2 100 yard games this season all occurred before Week 4 and he's on pace to fall below 1,000 yards receiving for the first time ever while a full (or close to full) season.  Anyone else think that Boldin and Fitz wish that god had told Kurt Warner to put off embarrassing himself on "Dancing With the Stars" one more year and they all could have stayed together?