15 Things We Can Learn From the Crazy Nebraskan LGBT Protest Lady

Pay close attention to the above video.  This is what we're up against, the opposition.  No, we're not talking about the opposition to equal rights for - yeah, we'll say it - EVERYONE.  No, we're going to resist the urge to call her a symbol of some fundamental christian, tea party, right wing extremist, all-kinds-of-shit-we-disagree-with movement of know-it-all assholes who want to force otherwise happy people to abide by their "values."  In fact, we won't even call her a symptom.  And we're going to hope and hope and hope (but not pray, obviously) that we're right.

This woman represents an entirely different group - crazy people.  The crazies are everywhere.  They're not hiding.   They have houses.  They wear matching shirts and hats.  And they know how to participate in the public process.  So for all the sane people out there (or at least those of us who manage our crazy well enough to get by), be afraid.

It's often said that education is the best weapon against ... bad stuff. (We're quite sure that a much more elegant saying exists.  But that's all we got.  And you get the point).  So maybe our best option to combat crazy persons is to try to gain some knowledge from the string of mostly unrelated, half-formed, barely-coherent ranting that inevitably comes during any interaction.  Just because she thinks her stream of consciousness is recreating "On the Road" when she's falling far short of even that bullshit "Sunscreen" song, doesn't mean we shouldn't at least try.

So we did.  And we came up with 15 things we can learn from the Crazy Nebraskan LGBT Protest Lady.   They could save your life someday.  

15.  Saying the the word "penis" in a public setting is significantly more offensive than spewing ignorant bigotry.

14.  The gays are intestine rupturing homiciders.  Worse yet, they also create of horrific manslaughtery reality-game shows hosted by an unfunny guy who is not the guy who created The Muppets.  And sadly, not Peter Tomarken.

13.  If you lick an anus during the bonus round of Wheel of Fortune and don't get antibiotics, you'll be dead before Final Jeopardy.  

12.  The federal government can eliminate children.  (Thanks to Obama's socialist agenda, no doubt.) 

11.  Whitney was somehow killed by gayness.  And most definitely not cocaine.

10.  Equality = molestation.

9.  There's an 80% chance Benedict Arnold was a nancy.

8.  It is possible to maintain (most of) your composure when confronted with insanity.  

7.  Someone was once so desperate that they roofied Hillary Clinton and established a new definition of "rock bottom."

6.  ab-hor-rent (ab-uncomfotable silent stutter-hhhorrent)

     adjective

     1.  Disgusting, loathsome, or repellent.  As in this lady is fucking abhorrent.  

5.  Ancient Rome was the place to be.

4.  A gay is a behavior.  And on a entirely related note, shoplifters don't make good salespeople.  

3.  We're thankful we didn't go to school in San Francisco.  

2.  Judas was a homo.  And if forced to choose, we go with over the boring celibate guy with a god complex.  

1.  If there's more where she came from, we're all fucking done for.