Stupid Commenter Beatdown - Winning the Lottery Doesn't Turn You Into An Ass, Talking About What You'd Do If You Won Does

Symptoms of "Lottery Fever" include
 extreme depression when you never,
ever, fucking win.

Lottery fever hit us all last week.  The time when we collectively decide that the amount of money at stake so obscene that it demands our attention; as if $50m wasn't worth our time and takes a half-a-billion to get our attention.  When someone in our offices goes around collecting money for a ticket pool.  And everyone buys in to ensure they aren't the only person left at the office if the group wins.  And we all use the calculator program on our phone or computer (because nobody can actually do math) to find out how much  our cut would be, get greedy, and buy our own personal tickets.  And then we root like hell for those tickets to win because, you know, fuck everyone else.  

But more importantly than that, we all get to talk about what we'd do if we won.  And it makes us all sound ridiculous.  Most would do one of the same five things.  Go on vacation.  Buy a house or a car.  Pay your bills.  Blow it on coke.  Others get all altruistic and smart.  They'd start a foundation or a charity.  Or invest   it.  Or give two weeks notice.  Some claim they wouldn't change a thing.  Well, those people are way better than we are.  We'd quit before Yolanda Vega finished saying the last number, drop $10k on our boss' desk to ensure our work doesn't even up falling to the people we dislike the least, and immediately begin the life we were meant to lead as a "Man of Leisure."  And then eventually get bored and start doing weird things like journeying to the bottom of the ocean.  Or completing a collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys (and punching Michael Bay in the face).  We'd live the glorious life of a weird rich person.

That's our idea.  But there are so many others that NJ.com had to post not one but two stories about it.  HIGHLIGHTS!!

Buy a yacht. Travel the world. Feed the homeless.  What one can do with a dollar and a dream.

Quit your job.  Purchase a question mark?  Seriously.  Quit.  Your.  Job.

And NBA rookie Chris Singleton, who plays for the Washington Wizards, said on his Twitter page he was going to spend $10,000 on the lottery game and "cross his fingers."

Hey Chris.  Hate you shit on your dreams and all.  But YOU ALREADY WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY.  Twice.  Millions and millions of people work all their lives to play in the NBA but don't have the physical skills.  But you won the genetic lottery and ended up a 6'8" superhuman.  And the, out of the thousands of people with comparable physical skills, you're still one of the few who get a $3m contract.  Uncross your fingers and work on your jumpshot.  Jackass.

All of Thursday’s cash, excitement and sales over the national lottery pushed the jackpot from $500 million to $540 million — the largest lottery jackpot in the world, said Judith Drucker, a spokeswoman for the New Jersey State Lottery. The jackpot jumped to a record $640 million around noon today.

We interrupt this snark for a brief moment of sincerity:  Holy shit that's a lot of money.

Barry Caraway, 65, of Newark was one who upped sales by buying one ticket.

"It’s so high," Caraway said of the jackpot. "And I figured, why not take a dollar chance."

Caraway said he would pay off his bills and buy a ship, that he’ll call "Freedom," if he wins.  "That way I could travel all around the world and do good," he said as he walked out of New Alicea Supermarket on Broad Street with a single ticket tucked in his hand. "With $500 million, you could probably try."

Ah, yes.  The good ship Freedom.  Traveling the world and doing ... good!  Delivering much needed things like fruit snacks and jealousy.  But only to those people who live near the beaches or marinas that can accommodate a massive mega-millions yacht.  Who are probably doing okay anyway.  If Barry's parents had only bought him that captain's hat he wanted for his 5th birthday.  If he doesn't win the lottery, he could probably still afford the board game.  It's Kafkaesque!!

Erika Hegelheimer, who works at a 7-Eleven on Bloomfield Avenue in Bloomfield, said the high jackpot has drawn people who don’t normally play the lottery.  "Suddenly, there’s all these possibilities available," said Hegelheimer, adding a half-billion dollars "is a little hard to resist."

Especially when your job prospects involve working at a place with a cleaning policy of Never-Never, and serves  "fresh food" on hot rollers and bad Icees in leftover "Legend of the Guardians:  The Owls of Ga'Hoole" cups.

Laura Modesto of Elizabeth said it was so hard to resist that she can’t stop buying tickets. As of Thursday, Modesto, who works at a diner in Linden, had eight tucked away in her car.  "I wanna be rich," she said of her purchases. "I’m going to share it with everybody, build my dream house and (have) a better future for my daughter."

There are likely better ways to bold a future for your children than playing a one-in-a-gazillion chance.  Just saying.

Andrzej Oczkos, 55, of North Arlington bought 175 tickets at a Leprechaun News in Rutherford, where it’s advertised that a ticket for one of the largest Mega Millions jackpots was sold there. He said he and 33 of his coworkers put in about $5 each.  "You never know," said Oczkos, a mechanic at a plant that manufactures beverages in Carteret. "A dollar makes a dream."

Maybe you do never know.  But what we are sure about it that she got the phrase wrong. 

Oczkos said if he doesn't win, then he'll still be working his mechanic job at a plant that manufactures soda and tea in Carteret. But if he wins, he may not come in on Monday.  "If I win, I'll quit the job," he said.

Breaking News:  People Who Win Lottery May Not Continue to Work in Manual Labor

"If you don’t win today, you might win tomorrow," said Esther Harris of Elizabeth after buying three Mega Millions tickets at her area 7-Eleven, on South Elmora Avenue in the city ... "You get caught up in the excitement," she said. "You watch the drawing and share in other people’s excitement. Once the numbers are drawn, they might not be so happy, but tomorrow’s another day too."

This woman's optimism is depressing.  

Nick, who asked not to give his last name, said he usually buys tickets with guys at work, but today he came by Cafe Clair to pick one up for himself.  Nick gave a get-serious look when asked if he thinks he'll win the jackpot.  "No," he said flatly. "But it gives me some hope."

Now, that's more like it!  There is nothing better than the soul-crushing "hope" of someone desperate to be freed of their mediocre life though the lottery.

Had enough?  Too bad.  Our faithful commenters must be heard.

Real

Good luck and hopefully people don't go crazy by blowing their life savings over this Mega Millions Jackpot!

That is sooo Real.

learn3drive

If I won, I would set up many endowment funds to help support various non-profits which benefit mankind...you know, instead of buying silly things like luxury SUV's and televisions and obnoxious houses.

Liar.  That's the kind of story you tell people to make yourself look good when in reality you'd buy a big house, hoard your money and become a recluse separated from the rest of mankind by your great wealth, unable to relate to other people.  That doesn't actually sound kind of awesome.

dollz

I WOULD PAY OFF MY KIDS COLLEGE LOANS OFF ALSO, GIVE ALL KIDS MONEY AND HOMES, GIVE MY MOM WHATEVER HER HEART DESIRES. ALSO GIVE TO MY BROTHERS, SISTER, NIECES AND NEPHEWS, BUT IF ANY OF THEM ARE YOUNG, THEY MUST GO TO COLLEGE OR A SCHOOL FOR A HIGHER EDUCATION BEFORE THEY CAN HAVE ANY MONEY. COLLEGE PAID BY ME SO NO EXCUSES . ALSO ANYONE WHO DO NOT WORK AND ARE ABLE BODY AND YOUNG ENOUGH,. YOU HAVE TO FIND A JOB, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS. AS LONG AS IT'S LEGAL.I'D GIVE MONTHLY CHECKS, BUT YOU QUIT, IT STOPS. AND THEN I'D GIVE TO MY CHURCH. AND FOR ME, I'D MOVE OUT OF STATE, BUILD BY WATER, TRAVEL , GET A CAR, AND SIT BACK AND ENJOY MY LIFE

AND BUY A NEW KEYBOARD WITH AN UNSTUCK SHIFT KEY.

jerseyguy

It is all astronomical luck and most players know that, it is pretty hard to to avoid. You need a hook in the water to catch a fish and yes sometimes lightning is caught in a bottle! Bring on those winning numbers....

After all, a dollar does make a dream.

202Ohojo

If I hit the jackpot I would buy a mansion and hire George Zimmerman as head of my security.


That's raycess.  

realpatriot7

I'm the richest man in the world. I don't make much money but I love waking up everyday, enjoy my job, have a great family, and I save enough money to go on a couple of short vacations every year to Florida or someplace else inside the country. I see people get off the subway everyday looking like zombies, anxiously waiting for the weekend to arrive. I enjoy everyday of my life. I tell all the younger generations to get find a job in something they would actually ENJOY doing. Forget about how much it pays.  

I have no wish to win the Lottery.

And we've made our point.