Things We Hate - Moves Like Jagger

Music is supposed to come from somewhere deep within the writer's soul.  It's supposed to be an expression of emotion or feeling or an experience.  It's supposed to come from a place that few ever get to, or at least feel comfortable enough to share what they find.  It's supposed to be a product of some creative process.  It's supposed to mean something.  Music is supposed to be all those things.

And then there is "Moves Like Jagger."  A song so bad that we just can't turn it off, lest we miss a chance to actively hate it.  At worst, it's a pure money grab, a record company edict to pen a song to leverage whatever passes for popularity for Maroon 5.  At best, it's a song built completely around an annoying whistle-melody thing.

We haven't always hated Maroon 5.  Their early songs had a strongly intriguing, domestic violence-y vibe that was made oddly comical due to their lead singer being roughly the size of a garden gnome.  The songs we catchy and, no matter your taste, came from a place of emotion.  Even if it's the same place the Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox 20 go to find their songs, Maroon 5 didn't always completely suck.

But "Moves Like Jagger" is none of those things.  It's not catchy.  It's not clever.  It is a brand of horribleness that it almost impossible to verbalize.  But that doesn't mean we won't try.  Break-down style.


Oh, yeah


Oh, no.  This song is about to burst through the walls of your temporal lobe like a big red beverage pitcher.

Oh!

Seriously.  Has any good song ever started with something from page 1 of the "Big Book of Music Cliches?"  There is literally no connection between this beginning "oh"-filled salvo and the rest of this abomination.  It's only downhill from here.

Just shoot for the stars

If it feels right

And aim for my heart

If you feel like

And take me away and make it OK

This first verse starts out like the pilot episode of every "mystery" show network t.v. has attempted since "Lost."  It's both purposely confusing and utterly unnecessarily confusing.  Is his heart in space?  What exactly are we shooting?  And why?  Will this be vaguely explained later in the song by a flashback that will ultimately leave us disappointed and underwhelmed?

I swear I'll behave

We'll hold you to that.  


You wanted control

So we waited

I put on a show

Now I make it

You say I'm a kid

My ego is big

I don't give a shit

Such language!!  We were told he would behave.  Adam Levine is a lying little midget.  And a braggadocios one at that.


And it goes like this

Oh god.  Here is comes.

Take me by the tongue

And I'll know you

Instead of taking him by the younger, we'd preferable to just remove it in hope of preventing such future assaults on good taste.

(Go ahead, grab your own tongue and sing the chorus.  It's better.  Much better.)

Kiss me 'til you're drunk

And I'll show you

Reason 4,267 Why This Song Sucks:  It begs perhaps the stupidest question ever asked on the Internet.

All the moves like Jagger

I've got the moves like Jagger

I've got the moves like Jagger

This might have been a cool sentiment in the 1970's when Jagger was, you know, not geriatric.  We sincerely doubt that many would understand, much less be impressed by, his weird little strutty-dance.  It would probably be mistaken for that that made-up Michael J. Fox disease from "The Good Wife."

I don't need to try to control you

Look into my eyes and I'll own you

With them moves like Jagger

I've got the moves like Jagger

I've got the moves like Jagger

In case you haven't figured it out by now.  This song is literally about seducing a woman (or man, perhaps) with the power of dance.  Which is absurd.  But what if we looked at it another way?


"Dear Group of Aging Musicians Who Aren't Allowed to Retire Because Every Time They Tour A New Person Gets Filthy Rich,

Maybe it's hard
When you feel like you're broken and scarred

Nothing feels right

But when you're with me

I'll make you believe

That I've got the key

Love, Dr. Kevorkian.

P.S.  The key is just the right mixture of saline, sodium thiopental, potassium chloride and pancuronium bromide."

Oh

So get in the car


So now we're in a car?  We thought we were dancing.  Are we car dancing?  Cause that actually kinda fun.

We can ride it


Ride it?  Driving it probably better.  Let's just drive instead.

Wherever you want
Get inside it


Home.  We want to go home.  Take us home.  Please.

And you want to steer

But I'm shifting gears

Yo, that's really fucking dangerous, man.  And highly irresponsible.  Plus the car is an automatic.  And that's park.  Keep your goddamn hands off the shifter.    


I'll take it from here (Oh! Yeah yeah!)

And it goes like this (Uh)

[violent crash into the median killing another driver but allowing the members of Maroon 5 to walk away unscathed.]

[Godawful, horrible, horrible, chorus.  Over and over again.]

Knock knock.  Who's there?  It's Christina Aguilera and she's just straight barging into the studio, totally uninvited, and doing Christina Aguilera-y things all over the place.  And by "Christina Aguilera-y Things", we mean eating and vocal gymnastics.  In that order.

You wanna know how to make me smile


Reservations for Golden Corral?

Take control, own me just for the night

And if I share my secret

You're gonna have to keep it

Things That Are Not Christina Aguilera's Secret:


1.  Vegetables.
2.  Prosthetics.
3.  The Chuck Norris Total Gym.
4.  High Self-Esteem.
5.  That Burlesque was good.


Nobody else can see this

No, we can all see it.  Sorry.


So watch and learn

I won't show you twice

Head to toe, oooh baby rub me right


She is, after all, a genie in a bottle.  But have you ever wondered how Maroon 5 and Xtina ended up doing this song?  Wonder no more.


[on the set of "The Voice."]


Adam Levine:  Hey Cee-Lo!!


Cee-Lo:  Sorry man, no autographs.


AL:  Oh Cee, can I call you Cee? You're so funny.


Cee-Lo:  Do I know you?  And, no.  It's Mr. Lo.


AL:  You crack me up Cee.


Cee-Lo:  Seriously, it's Mr. Lo.  SECURITY!!


AL:  Whoah. Whoah, Mr. Lo.  It's me, Adam.  I sit next to you on our show, NBC's "The Voice."


Cee-Lo:  If you say so.


AL:  LOL!!  Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to do a song with my band.


Cee-Lo:  Sorry man.  I don't play open mics anymore.  Let me know when you get a record deal.


AL:  No, no, we have a deal.  We're "Maroon 5."  Maybe you've heard of us.


Cee-Lo:  No.  


AL:  Oh.


Cee-Lo:  Listen, I gotta go do something better than have this conversation.  Moron 5.  What kind of name is that ...


AL:  [sings parts of various Maroon 5 songs]  Does that ring a bell?


Cee-Lo:  You sound a lot like that chick on the Kanye song.


AL:  That's me!!  Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to do a collaboration.


Christina Aguilera:  I'll do it!!


AL:  Oh shit.  Um, hey Christina. I'd love to have you do it but I already aske Cee, I mean, Mr. Lo.  And he said he'd do it.  Right?


Cee-Lo:  [walks away]


CA:  I'm totally available!!  Nothing else going on.  Schedule is clear.


AL:  Um...how bout I get back to you.  Cee-Lo, wait up!!


Fast forward to CA crashing the Maroon 5 recording session.

But if I share my secret

You're gonna have to keep it

Nobody else can see this (Ay! Ay! Ay! Aaay!)

Things That Could Be Christina Aguilera's Secret:

6.  She's not a good sharer.
7.  Words can bring her down.
8.  That her "Secret Potion" is made from rawhide and the blood of a newborn
9.  What a girl really wants is cheesy breadsticks
10.  That her daddy didn't hug her enough.

And it goes like this

[Chorus:]

By this point we've usually passed out from the hate exhaustion.  When asked about the song, Levine said the following:

It was one of those songs that was definitely a risk; it's a bold statement ... I'm just happy everyone likes it.

He's only half right.  It is a bold statement.  It's incredibly bold to release something this shitty.  It takes some serious balls (or just a complete lack of self awareness).  But he's wrong she he says everyone likes it.  He hate it and we hope you do to.  The 8.5 million sold is only proof of the enduring nature of human stupidity.  But as long as we're around and blogging, we'll continue to fight the good fight and ridicule where ridicule is necessary.

In closing, fuck this song.