1. Story of the Year: Timothy Jesus Tebow.
With all due respect to the stealer season by the Packers, this is the year of Tebow. Almost-undefeated teams come around every few years, but a guy like Tebow only comes around every 2,012 years or so. By demonstrating can you play quarterback in the NFL without most of the skills previously considered mandatory (timing, accuracy, ability to read coverage, trigger pulling), Tebow has become the most interesting thing about sports. Not just football but sports in general. His games have become must-see T.V., like "Wings."
He's also captivated the audience by proving its eminently possible to simultaneously loved and hated by everyone. On the field, he's everything we want as fans - he plays hard, it clutch and is completely devoted to winning above all else. If all the players on all our favorite teams played like that, we'd be thrilled. Off the field, despite appearing nice, humble and a great teammate, as soon as he starts praise to his lord and savior, many of us our out. But that polarizing effect is what makes him the most interesting thing in a league that, for as much as we're all obsessed, can be a little bit ... boring. The big question is, how will the Passion of the Tebow, end?
After going through mounds of research (read: wikipedia) and racking our brain (read: thinking about it for five minutes), we believe we've finally figured it out.
(Pats, Ravens and Saints fans might want to turn away now.)
It's February 5, 2012. With five seconds left on the clock and the Saints leading 28-23, the Broncos have the ball at the Saints' 15 with Tebow in the shotgun ready to receive the snap. After defeating New England with a furious 21-point fourth quarter comeback (finishing with 316 yards passing and four touchdowns) and the Ravens in overtime (another 316 yards passing and 3 touchdowns) in a loss that made Ray Lewis weep, the outcome seems almost inevitable. It's Super Bowl Sunday and the whole world is watching.
Literally. Tebowmania has swept the globe. Warring troops have laid down their weapons to watch together. China has unblocked access to its citizens. Americans have taken in the homeless so they won't miss it. The French have put on deodorant. The world is a better place, all because of Tebow.
The ball in snapped. Tebow surveys the field for what seems like a second before scrambling left. As he scrambles, receivers come open all over the field. But Tebow doesn't pull the trigger. It's the last play of the Super Bowl, and nobody runs the ball but him. After being chased to the sideline, Tebow wheels back to the left as Eric Decker pleads for the ball and cuts up field for ten yards. At the five, three Saint defenders converge but Tebow will not be denied. He lowers his shoulder and blasts through, sneaking the ball across the goal line with not time on the clock. The score is 29-28 and the Broncos are Super Bowl Champions.
With another 316 yards passing, Tebow is named MVP and chosen for the Disney commercial.
"Hey Tim, you just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do now?"
"I'm going to ... heaven."
And at the moment a chorus of angels is heard (weirdly singing covers of early Boyz II Men songs) and the earth starts to shake. A massive hole to hell opens at the 50-yard line, emitting the screams of millions of damned souls. Tebow is enveloped by a bright white light and begins to levitate (though it could just be a magic trick, no one is quite sure).
"Finally, I have returned" he says. Sarcastic people everywhere begin to freak as they realize they've been making fun of the real messiah all these years. Natural disasters sweep the globe - earthquakes, floods, volcanoes, Demi Lovato. The Four Horsemen (the classic line-up with Arn and Ole Anderson, Tully Blanchard and Ric Flair, none of that Barry Windham or Sid Vicious shit) are heralded by the sounds of "Whoooo!!" an begin smiting haters with knife-edge chops and DDTs.
The scene is more of the same at Lucas Oil Stadium. Tebow offers his doubters a chance to repent. Many do but others continue to doubt his ability to throw a spiral. Their souls stripped from their bodies and cast (in a slightly wobbly manner) into hell. The Saints fans are offered the chance to denounce Drew Brees as a false prophet but refuse. The eternal question of "Who Dat" is finally answered with an emphatic "Tebow."
Finally, Tebow must defeat his greatest enemy, the Antichrist, Merril Hodge who has commandeered the Jumbotron in an attempt to show everyone how Tebow missed open receivers and didn't throw in rhythm on the game winning run. Hodge's tie knot becomes the head of a serpent and he attacks Tebow who crushes the snake and embarrasses his enemy into submission by asking him to read "The Cat in the Hat."
Having vanquished the non-believers, Tebow ascends for a full off-season training program (run by Vince Lombardi) while anointing Skip Bayless as his spokesperson and "right-hand man" on Earth. Amazingly, this actually results in less talk of Tebow on ESPN as, despite being the spokesperson of the lord, people still can't stand Skip Bayless.
When Tebow returns to lead the Broncos in defense of their title, earth is overcome peace and happiness. At least until the Broncos lose seven straight to fall to 3-10 with everyone calling for Brady Quinn. The complete and utter loss of faith leads to Armageddon and the world ends on 12/12/12. Just like the Mayans predicted. Such is the life of the modern day messiah.
2. 2011 Superlatives
Most Valuable Player (Real): Aaron Rodgers. While Brees made it interesting at the end but over the entire season, Mr. Discount-Doublecheck was simply too fantastic to ignore.
Most Valuable Player (Fantasy): Drew Brees. Brees finished second to Rodgers in total points for the season but his fantasy playoff averages (352 yards, 4 TDs) were enough to win a bunch of people a very small amounts of money.
Least Valuable Player (Real): Chad Ochocinco. The Pats needed a deep threat so they acquired a player who, in his prime averaged 88/1339 and seemed to still have something left. He delivered 3 starts, 15 catches and 276 yards.
Least Valuable Player (Fantasy): Chris Johnson. The final numbers were respectable (1000 yards rushing/400 yards receiving) but his 46 yard average for the first 8 weeks as a Top 3 pick was enough to ruin many a f'n day.
Most Likely to Never Succeed Again: Rob Gronkowski. We could see him getting 90 catches again. Or even 1,300 yards. But 17 touchdowns? Not a chance.
Most Likely to Be a Cult Leader if Football Didn't Exist: Ray Lewis. And we'd be mixing the Flavor Aid.
Suckiest Injury: Jamaal Charles. The league needs guys who can average 6 yards a carry and electrify a game. Unfortunately, an ACL injury means we may never see him do it again.
Most Disappointing Team: Philadelphia Eagles. The 8-8 record isn't enough to explain how badly they flopped. Luckily for non-Eagle fans, it was enough for Andy Reid to keep his job.
Worst Player: DeSean Jackson. After a campaign in which his catches (58) were fair outnumbered by his sulks (infinite), nobody did less with more than D-Jax. He'll likely get paid by someone and be awesome next year but until then - Ha. Ha.
Worst Team: Indianapolis Colts. Yuck.
The Half-Season Award: Marshawn Lynch. First 8 weeks: 398 yards, 4 TDs, 1 100 yard game. Last 8 weeks: 806 yards, 9 TDs, 5 100 yard games. Many broken hearts on both sides.
3. Posthumous Memorial Awards:
Shaun Alexander Memorial Cliff Award: Reggie Wayne. Yeah, we know, Peyton was hurt. But what we didn't know was that his injury stripped every Colt player of the ability to play football. His final numbers don't look awful - 75 catches for 960 yards - but Wayne was a bum, plummeting off a cliff. We'll see if Luck can what Cam did for Steve Smith, but we're dubious.
Fred Taylor's Groin Award For Most Predictable Injury: Mike Vick. Another disappointing, injury riddled season as The Dogkiller battled hand and rib injuries and a general sense of malaise. Still, we'll all get sucked in again next year looking at the per game numbers and wonder what could happen if he stayed healthy. But he doesn't. Ever.
Lamont Jodan/Steve Slaton Award: Peyton Hillis. As much as we all kind of saw this coming, it was hard to completely ignore Hillis' stellar 2010 season (1100 yards rushing, 500 yards receiving, 13 touchdowns) so we all drafted him with tempered expectations (at worst he's a good 2nd RB, right?). And yet he managed to fall well below even the most modest of hopes with 587 yards and 3 touchdowns. Thanks for nothing, jerk.
The Edgerrin James I Hope You Don't Think This Mid-Career Blip Means I'm Done Award: Chris Johnson. Edge came out of nowhere to finish first and second in fantasy point his first two years in the league but the next two seasons would see him fall off dramatically (32nd and 24th). After that little blip, he bounced back to finish in the Top 10 3 of the next 4 years. Don't get too low on CJ just yet.
The Brandon Lloyd (Formerly the: "Please Don't Be Braylon Edwards Award"): Victor Cruz. In one season, he went from nowhere to 1,500 yards and a reputation as one of the best big-play guys in the league. It happens. But it often doesn't sustain. Here's hoping Cruz isn't Flock of Seagulls.
The T.O. Award For Backing-up your Talk: Eli Manning. He was right.
4. The Reminder Why We Hate Fantasy Football Award: Laurent Robinson. Two years ago, he was supposed to be a breakout/sleeper for the Rams. Then he got hurt and cut and wandered into Dallas as a back-up on a team with Miles Austin and Dez Bryant. 11 touchdowns later he scored the 15th most fantasy points at his position. Fuck him.
5. Five Guys Who Are Better At Being Reggie Bush Then Reggie Bush
After we finally declared one of our favorite college players of all-time and "Man-Crush All Star Team" member dead, Bush decided it was time to finally show some of what we all thought he had when we all got pissed at the Texans for passing on him with the #1 pick - 4 straight games over 100 yards, including a monster 200 yard effort, and his first 1,000 yard season with a 5.0 average on 216 carries.
It took him awhile to prove he was an "every-down" back (to the extent he proved it this year is debatable) and with all the changes happening in Miami he'll have to do it all over again next season. So this could all the a fluke and when we talk about Reggie's career 10 years from now (which will most likely involve us talking to ourself) it could be "that one year he was good" or "don't forget what he did when he finally got the carries." Time will tell. But like when a soon-to-be ex does something nice right before a relationship ends, we were reminded why we loved him so much once, if only for a fleeting moment.
Still, there's one thing that always bothered us about Bush's career. People want to say he doesn't succeed because he's too small but that's total bullshit. Reggie's problem has always been his inability/lack of desire to run inside. In college, he could take a pitch or handoff, run around a little bit and eventually, because of his extreme physical gifts, take it to the house. But that doesn't work in the NFL (unless, of course, you're Barry Sanders) and Reggie never changed his mentality. He always tried to force the big run.
To prove our point, we made a list of similarly sized guys who've done a better job go being Reggie Bush than he has. For the record, Bush is listed at 6', 203.
Maurice Jones-Drew (5'7", 208): Three 1,300+ yard seasons. Lead the league in rushing in 2011 on putrid Jacksonville team with no quarterback.
Ray Rice (5'8", 212): Three 1,200+ yard/60+ catch seasons. From Rutgers.
LeSean McCoy (5'11", 208): 1,300 yards on a team that refuses to run the ball. Might be the best running back in football and is certainly the most exciting. Also, jump cuts.
Chris Johnson (5'11", 191): One 2,000 yard season which is 2/3 of Bush's career total.
Darren Sproles (5'6", 190): Lead league in all-purpose yards playing the "Reggie Bush" position in New Orleans.
6. Top 10 Quarterbacks for 2012
If, as ESPN told us, 2011 was "The Year of the Quarterback" (as opposed to every other year which is also the year of the quarterback) then what is this year going to be? Our guess is it will be "The Year of the Quarterback: Part Deux." With that in mind, here are our Top 10 Quarterbacks for the 2012 Season:
1. Aaron Rodgers: Simply the best at his position right now.
2. Drew Brees: 1c.
3. Tom Brady: Yeah, he's still going to be good. Too bad they won't ever win another Super Bowl until they fix the defense.
4. Peyton Manning: He'll have to prove to us he's not healthy before we bump him down any further.
5. Eli Manning: He's the top of the next tier. 2012 showed he was finally able to carry over his early-season/4th quarter heroics into December.
6. Ben Roethlisberger: Hate him, but when healthy, Large Benjamin's ability to expend plays is unparalleled.
7. Phillip Rivers: Hate him more. We'd love to see what he does outside the QB-friendly Norv Turner scheme. Will enjoy missing the playoffs again next season. Pissyface.
8. Matthew Stafford: Could pass both Rivers and Ben if he can continue to stay healthy. Benefits immensely from Megatron.
9. Cam Newton: Needs to cut down on turnovers but, as we said during the draft, he could be the next step in the evolution of the quarterback position. 9 could be way too low.
10. Tony Romo: Is it too early to put Luck in the Top 10.
7. Winners.
Finally, our predictions for this week:
Saints over 49ers. We'd love to take San Fran here but Alex Smith simply isn't good enough and their defense isn't at the 2000 Ravens level. The Saints run game will be the difference.
Ravens over Texans. Flacco gets the nod over Yates and won't implode until next week.
Patriots over Broncos. Tom Brady saves the world.
Packers over Giants. It seems like everybody loves the underdog this week and while we'd love to jump on the bandwagon, the Packers scare the shit out of us. There are reasons they Giants could win.
They're exactly where they are supposed to be with the Saints and 49ers regular season records, even if they won 11 regular season games they'd still be traveling to Lambeau. So they're playing with house money at this point and should be loose. Plus, they match-up fairly well - you know the drill, the D-line can get pressure, the offense can score with them. The Packers could be rusty and have gone through an emotional week with the death of their Offensive Coordinator's son's death. You've heard it all. So there are plenty of reasons they could win but one why they won't - The Packers are a great, great team.
They were 15-1 and scored 200 more points than they gave up. They have the best quarterback in football playing his best and has his line and weapons are all in tact. Their defense causes turnovers and has one great pass-rusher. They're the defending Super Bowl Champions. And they're playing at home. The Giants will make it a game but ultimately, the Packers will simply be too much. It may looks like 2007, walk like 2007 and quack like 2007. But it's not 2007.
Unless, of course, it is ....
No comments:
Post a Comment