re: My Litter Box

No, I'll never remember to flush.
Not a chance.
Now, get the hell out.

To:  You

From:  Your Cat

re:  My Litter Box

Hey Man,

What's up?  Not much here.  Just living in your house, letting you rub my belly when I feel like it and offering you unconditional love and support as long as you feed me.  And most importantly, never judging you.  (Well, actually, I judge you all the time but you don't know about it, so no harm done right?)  Basically, I'm busy being the perfect pet.

Now, you know I'm pretty self-sufficient.  I clean myself, enjoy being left alone for long periods of time, and let you sleep until I get hungry.  And I certainly appreciate the amount of deference you show me.  (My half of the bed is really cozy and its awesome that you refrain from doing anything that might disturb me when I'm doing something cute like sleeping for 18 hours a day or just sitting there ignoring you.)  I really do.  And for the most part, you do a real bang-up job of giving me the life I deserve.

I don't ask for much.  A scoop of that awful dry food once a day, fresh filtered water in my bowl, a look the other way when I clean my ass and a can of wet food as soon as you walk in the door after work.  (No, it can't wait until you go to the bathroom.)  That's all pretty reasonable, right?

But I have one small problem.   

I know, it's rather gross and undignified to speak of these things.  And trust me, I'm as uncomfortable as you are in bringing it up.  But, let's be frank - I shit in a box.  Yes, an animal as regal, intelligent and civilized as me has to climb into a small box filled with sand to do my business.  While I try to cover it up and it's better than leaving land minds all over your backyard.  I need your help.

I know you trudge down to the basement every night, scoop the box, put it in a target bag and drop it into that cute little Cat Genie thing you "invented."  And that's all well in good.  But could you clean the damn thing out once in awhile?  Not to get too graphic but when you scoop, you don't get ... um ... everything.  So eventually even the clean litter gets dirty.  And when that happens, I really want to shit on the floor, or the bed, or in your shoes.  But I don't.  Because that would be rude and below me.

Imagine what it would be like if you never cleaned, cheek that, never hired someone else to clean your bathroom.  It would be pretty gross.  I know its hard to find time in your busy schedule of writing your dumb blog, pretending you're Batman (you know it's a video game, right?) and getting your ass kicked by that middle-aged Latino man  in "Words with Friends."  That's a heavy lift.  So it totally makes sense that you'd leave me to stew in my own filth.  And I'd happily do it myself but my lack of opposable thumbs and your extreme paranoia about letting me outside (you're still not over that time I "ran away" and you found me but then I bit the hell out of your hands - it was dark, I didn't recognize you!! - then you snuck around the neighborhood spraying your pee all over the place to try to get me to come home, huh?  That was fucking hilarious).  So help me out here.  You need to make you feel like you can care for another living being so your life isn't a waste.  I need you to clean my poop.  We need each other, so let's work something out, ok?

Love,

Your Cat.