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| From Someecards.com, a website we single-handedly got blocked at our old job after wasting an entire afternoon browsing ... and there goes another two hours. |
Chinese food is normally a consistent and easy food choice. Where trying to get a sandwich could leave you with a pile of slimy turkey (or fucking lettuce. I specifically asked for no lettuce!! Now my sandwich tastes all lettucy with lettuce juice in the bread. Fuck lettuce.) or going for pizza could find you suffering through something that resembles good pizza as much as we resemble a successful writer. But chinese food is different. No matter the source, from PF Chang's to a shitty little storefront takeout joint, most times it represents a safe choice.
Since the big knock on the cuisine (since we get the majority of our knowledge from 80's era hack comedians) is that it doesn't keep you full for long enough, the buffet format (which depends entirely on the quality of the food) should be the perfect compliment. But it is not. Apparently, making otherwise tasty food in bulk turns it into something more like dog shit. It's a fucking disaster.
We're not experts on chinese cuisine. We swore it off for a decade after suffering an allergic reaction that gave us 50-year old actress collagen lips and closed up our airway. It may or may not have been attributable to the food, but it was enough for us. Recently, in large part due to The Mrs' ability to get us to do things we don't want to do, we started to eat it again. And this week we found ourself pushing the limit and walking into a Trenton-area chinese buffet. We knew the risks (diarrhea, stomach cramps, tape worm, etc.) but remembered the days of days gorging on unlimited crab legs and having the courage to risk salmonella. 27 seconds into the visit, our optimism was crushed. There were no crab legs (if you charge extra you obviously don't understand the idea of a buffet kind sir). But there was a sign (covered in some sticky substance) on the table that read:
The price of food is getting more expensive. If you waste food we will add 15% to your check.
This was worrisome. People don't waste good food. That's why we're all at least slightly fat. It's a pretty ballsy thing to tell your customers as they walk in the door: "Not only are we going to charge you to eat shitty food but if you refuse to finish it, we'll charge you more." Instead of striving for good customer service, this place had resorted to threats.
After three bites of of a cold, strings, nasty-ass plate of "chicken" and broccoli and a second look at the teriyaki chicken the color of us after a day on the beach without sunscreen, and we understood why the restaurant needed to go to such lengths. We were incensed. How could they charge us extra for refusing to eat such crap? What kind of person would stand for this shit?
We would. Since our fear of confrontation and utter cheapness always outweighs outrage, we choked down the last bits of our food without complaint. 45 minutes and two plates of orange jello later, we paid the bill and walked out feeling a bit queasy and a whole lot like a puss. Our only recourse being to never go back again and to complain anonymously online.
1. What Else?, Pats v. Giants, Game of the Week;
When Eli hit Manningham on the corner fade to put the Giants up 17-13 in a game where their defense held the vaunted Pats offense in check while the offense made just enough plays, things felt familiar. It was Super Bowl XLIII (or the 2007 Super Bowl for those of you not well versed in dead number systems) all over again, except this time we got a preview of how things could have gone. Instead of scoring with 35 seconds left and forcing the Pats into a series of way too close to completed 70-yard hail mary's, the had 3 minutes. It only took 2 minutes for them to marched down the field before Brady hit Gronkowski for what looked like it could be the winning score.
We were reminded just how good Brady is and what happens when you give him a chance. Given more time four years ago, Brady could have taken what was already an all-time championship contest to yet another level and the Pats would have been the best team ever. Instead it simply ended as an all-time upset with the Giants on the field celebrating.
And that's how it ended again as the Pats left too much time for Eli. In out discussion last week about how Giant fans still don't trust Eli, we forgot to mention one caveat - it all changes in the fourth quarter. As much as we worry, if the game is close with two minutes left, we trust Eli to be clutch. And we was just that on Sunday. With an assist from Jake Ballard (who?), the Giants walked right back down the field and, for the second week in a row, the Pats fatal flaw - their awful defense - was exposed. It's hard to win big games when your secondary doesn't understand key concepts like "turn your head around when making a play on the ball" and "don't tackle a receiver without the ball."
It was a huge win for the Giants (especially without their best receiver, running back and starting center) and one that should give them enough of a cushion to hold on to the NFC East lead as they try to navigate through their remaining schedule. One upset victory can go a long way. Sunday's game against the 49ers now has huge playoff implications. San Fran has looked very, very real this year but, until further notice, Alex Smith cannot be trusted. He'll have a chance to prove himself against the Giants pass rush.
As for the Pats, do we need more proof they are not the same team they once were? They'll still make the playoffs as they are plenty good to dominate bad teams (K.C., Indy, Washington, Denver, Miami) but, starting this week at Snoopy Stadium, they'll have to fight for the division. The Pats won't lose 3 in a row, will they?
Rating: 1,000 Unabashedly Happy Faces.
2. Philadelphia Eagles, Losers, At Home;
Ha. Ha.
Rating: 0 Mad Faces.
3. LeSean McCoy, Best Running Back in Football,
With all due respect to Adrian Peterson (who is by all rational measurements better) but Shady is fun to watch. Even if he's an Eagle. Too bad his coach hates him.
We hate to beat the carcass of a deceased bird lying on the side of the road being picked apart by scavengers, but, after McCoy's 33 yard touchdown scamper to give the Eagles a 24-17 lead with 6:44 left in the third quarter, the Eagles had 3 more possessions, ran 16 offensive plays and handed the ball off to McCoy only twice. At no point where they down by more than six points. Before that, McCoy was averaging almost 5.5 yards per carry in the game and Vick was completing just over 50% of his passes. That's simply unconscionable. We'd venture to guess that Andy will be getting a different letter than the one we wrote him last week. At least until they beat the Cards and suddenly reignite their playoff hopes.
Rating: 7.5 Mad Faces.
4. Shitty Running Backs
Check out these numbers: 2.5, 1.8, 3.8, 3.0, 1.5. Those are the per-carry numbers for five Mr. Beast Mode himself, Marshawn Lynch's 7 games this season. In the other two, his average is over 7. This week he rumbled all over the (formerly?) formidable Cowboys defense for 135 completely and utterly undeserved yards. Fuck him.
Speaking of shitty running backs, the worst fantasy football pick in history, Chris Johnson, had one of his best games of the year on Sunday. FINALLY!! Right? No. He had 64 yards rushing and 110 total. Holy Moley!! Guess if you drafted him (or even worse have him as a keeper) you'll take what you can get at this point. In related news, the nickname CJ2K will be replaced with CJ700 or CJMadeMeQuitFantasyFootball.
Finally, um ... Helu? A franchise record 14 catches. The Fantasy Devil is never without new tricks.
Rating: Too annoyed to even care. Really. Fuck it.
5. AFC West, Football Purgatory;
Is it possible that a worse division could exist?
The pre-season favorite, the Superchargers, are now 4-5 after losing 4 straight games and haven't beaten a winning team all year. And their elite quarterback is in the midst of a legacy altering disaster of a season, having thrown 3 more picks on Sunday (including 2 that were returned for scores) and another last night. They continue to put up big offensive numbers (6th in total yards, 11th in points) and control other teams (7th in total defense) but turn the ball over at an alarming rate (-8 turnover differential, tied for most in the league with Philly and Washington at 19) and give up absurd amounts of points (25.5, 27th in the league). They continue to stick with the "Turner Blue Print for Disappointment" while the base of talent that once gave them the benefit of the doubt continues to erode away. On a positive note, if 14-2 got Shottenheimer fired, missing the playoffs has to be the end of Norv, right?
Through 2 weeks it looked like the Raiders panicked and overpaid for a mediocre quarterback who through a game and a half has rewarded them with 448 yards and 3 touchdowns and 6 pesky interceptions. After back to back loses to the Chefs and Tebows, their wins over the Jets and Texans seemed like a long time ago. Then they go out and beat up the Chargers with Palmer playing as well as he has in years (14 for 20, 299 yards, 2 TDs). Now they're on top of the division and in control. Anyone who enjoyed Darrius Heyward-Bey's brief attempt at fantasy relevance should realize its over (unless of course you forgot to take him out of your line-up before last night's game). After a nice 4 week stretch in which he averaged 5 catches and 95 yards, DHB returned to his customary goose egg on only 1 measly target against Denver and San Diego combined. This obviously shows an extreme lack of chemistry with Palmer who obviously prefers the stylings of Jacoby Ford and even former waiver-wire star Denarius Moore (5 for 123, 2 TDs last night).
Anyone care to explain the Chefs? Is there anyone qualified to show how they could start 0-3 and look like the worst team in football, win 4 games in a row, including beating the Raiders and Chargers, all without their best offensive and one of their best defensive players (Charles and Berry) and then get blown out by the winless Dolphins at home? They're awfulness has deprived us of any opportunity to get excited over that bad motherfucker J. Battle. On a related note, they are a half game out of first place.
The Broncos victory over Oakland was nothing but interesting. Denver used the Gator's old offense, Tebow ran the ball (12) more than he completed passes (10) passed the century mark in both categories (118 yards rushing and 124 passing) and threw 2 touchdown passes. Predictably everyone decided that maybe they were too quick to write this kid off and Bronco fans began making baby Tebow's for their nativity sets. The Broncos will likely continue to run the spread until defenses catch-up (how many teams are still running the wildcat?) and we'll see if Tebow can adjust (he may). From a fantasy perspective, the Broncos offense is now Terry Schiavo.
Rating: 10 Disgusted Faces.
6. TGIT, No.
In a battle between the NFL and Cable Companies, we wish the worst to all of them. We don't have the NFL Network and every year about this time we are reminded why we very vaguely care about that fact when they deprive us of our right as Americans to have football games on channels that are accessible to us. Luckily, all of their games suck. Who's upset about missing out on that crackling Jags-Falcons match-up in Week 15.
Rating: 8 Disinterested Faces.
7. This Week's Reminder Why We Hate Fantasy Football - Long Touchdowns.
Julio Jones' line this week - 3 catches, 131 yards, 2 TDs on only 4 targets. Absurd.
Julio Jones' line without that absurd 80 touchdown where the Colts decided not to tackle - 2 catches, 51 yards, 1 TD on 3 targets. Reasonable.
Rating: Fuck Julio.
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