Read, Skim, Scan - This Week's Sports Illustrated - November 28, 2011

... our worship but we rebel against."

ESPN is everywhere.  It's so ubiquitous that we often fall into the trap of thinking its the only sports coverage around.  Being the one stop sports shop - t.v., web, radio and print - is the business plan.  The brand is so accessible and delivers such acceptable content that its easy to forgo everything else.  Especially when we're all too damn busy to wade through the morass to find good stuff elsewhere.  That's where we come in, to show you there's life beyond The Monolith.

In between bouts of sleeping and working, we still manage to read the old faithful of sports journalism - Sports Illustrated.  And while it may seem like we're wasting our time with a dying medium, SI can still produces excellent content.  But since nobody has to time to read the whole thing, we'll endeavor to give you three recommendations each week (with links) - one to read in full, one to skim in brief, and one to scan for the highlights - to let you get the best without having to actually buy a magazine.  We read so you don't have to.

Read:  "Tim Tebow's Wild Ride."  Yes, more Tebow.  Hate him or not, he's still interesting and so is this article.  It gives an account of each of Tebow's starts through contemporaneous quotes from various sources - coaches, media and teammates.  What becomes apparent is that his teammates absolutely love him while everyone else, particularly Coach John Fox and VP John Elway who very much dislike him, remain very much unconvinced.

Skim:  "Bordering on Hatred."  Why should you waste your time on a story about a middling college football rivalry like the one between Missouri and Kansas?  Two reasons:  (1) to find out how it started - a nice Old West massacre played a part; and (2) to understand that sometimes maybe hurt feelings are as much to blame for forfeited rivalries as the evils of conference realignment.

Scan:  "In My Tribe" gets the pimp seat in the magazine this week (the last article before the old Rick Reilly spot - he's now busy doing awful, awful poetry on Monday Night Football) and it's super long.  It's all about defining sports moments in various writer's lives.  Didn't really work for us but it was a weak issue and maybe you'll be more susceptible to stories about how sports can be transcendent.

Things We're Thankful For

Let's live together in harmony until I get greedy and give you
blankets covered in small pox, take all your land and refuse to acknowledge
the fact that your people make up many different tribes and are not "Indians" at all.
Thanks for the corn.  

Thanksgiving has passed and the holiday season is upon us.  With that comes the time to reflect and evaluate all the things we have to be thankful for.  While The Project has a deserved reputation for being a bit complain-y, we don't hate everything.  To prove it, we've put together an exhaustive list of everything we're thankful for these days.

1.  The Lexus "December to Remember" ad campaign that is so convinced of its cultural impact means people will blindly recognize its jingle while continuing to believe cars make great presents.



"Merry Christmas Honey, I got us an overinflated car payment and five years of debt!!"

2.  Tim Tebow for being the most interesting part of the current sports cycle.  In just five starts, he's turned the entire football world into a bipolar mess and has us eagerly awaiting the four-part "The Tebow Saga" movie series.

3.  Rutgers for making sure we don't have to wait another week to know if we'll be spending 2 days in South Beach just after New Year's.  Thanks guys.  That would have totally sucked.

4.  That this happened in New Jersey.



And, no, it's not because they're Indian people.  Though after a few run-ins yesterday at the mall, we think the turkey's may have been provoked.

5.  That the NBA Lockout is apparently (and finally) over.  Now ESPN can go back to over analyzing LeBron and the Heat and other things that people don't care about nearly as much as the Monolith thinks they do.

6.  Mike Greenberg's grating sincerity on "Mike and Mike in the Morning."  We get it, you really appreciate Chris Carter and his over reliance on the word "like."

7.  The Aggrotank, family of The Project.  Our esteemed B-I-L keeps us updated on all things video game, comic and otherwise nerd-related.  That's our one non-sarcastic post for the day.

8.  Brett Favre and Dale Jr. sincerely caring about our nuts.



Brett's thumb, pointer, pinky hand gesture is going to be our new "thing."  You've been warned.

9.  Black Friday starting on Thursday so people have an excuse to get away from their crazy families.  "Sorry grandma, can't stay for those delicious Little Debbie dessert cakes you "made."  Walmart's having a huge black Friday sale on handguns for $39.  I think I could use a few.  Minimum two-and-a-half per store."

10.  That our obsession with Christmas music becomes slightly less inappropriate for the next 30 days.  Readers, there is a "Top 10 Christmas Songs of All Time" post in your very near future.  Again, you've been warned.

11.  Ndamukong Suh proving that we're not alone in failing to reach our goals.

Suh on Dan Patrick's show last week:  "My main goal is not to get fined and not to have an issues [that keep me off the field]."

Suh on Thursday:




Oops.

12.  That we live in a world where an epically shitty movie like "Jack and Jill" opens with $26 million and a 3% positive rating on "Rotten Tomatoes."  At least they have cards for this sort of thing.

13.  All the people who actually read this crap (or at least accidentally click on the link while googling something else).  A year and a bit after we started, the dream, as it is, remains alive.  Thanks for the support everyone.

Randomness - The Most Annoying Roommate Ever (And We've Never Even Met Him)

This one comes from one of the many FOP or Friends of Persnickety (who are mostly family at this point) with specific instructions to not "summarize, just post."  So we will, with only two comments:

1.  We are totally almost a "secular humanist" except that in addition to rejecting dogma and religion, we also hate people.  Does that make us a secular inhumanist?  Secular antihumanist?  Completely rational?

2.  Choosing a roommate is a stressful endeavor.  It's nice to see that he's put so much work into his ad to make sure that everyone knows that they will hate him without even having to meet.  It takes a ton of guesswork out of the process.  Better than realizing two weeks in and being forced to smash his guitar over his head like the Honkey Tonk Man.




From Craigslist - the online home of crazy people.

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old truck driver with experience at bad-ass companies in fucking Minneapolis. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved to Minneapolis to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make thousands of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.
Anyway, so I landed this job with a trucking company, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.
A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.
I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!
Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!
A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?
I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Minneapolis to Minot in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!
Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money. 

That's a mouthful.  It leaves only one question, would you want to live with this dude?

Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 9

(Please excuse the following melodramatic interlude.  We will return to our otherwise glib and nonsensical rants shortly.) 


People go to great lengths to protect what they have.  They lie, they cheat, they steal and they kill.  Sometimes they even look the other way when children are being raped.  Often it's for money.  Sometimes for power.  Other times to protect a reputation.  Or maybe to protect the "way of life" at a isolated school in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania.  Self-preservation is a powerful urge and it grows exponentially as the perceived importance of what's being protected increases.


"We are ... Penn State" may have started nobly as a protest against segregation but it became a symbol of cult-like thinking.  The kind that leads to the decision to protect a once great football program led by a once great man over the lives of vulnerable children.  Instead of a show of solidarity, it became a statement of isolation.  We are Penn State ... and we're better than you.  We are Penn State ... and you're not.


At worst it was a conspiracy.  At best unconscionable indifference.  But there is no doubt it was deliberate.  And in the face of such deliberate wrong, Penn State did the only thing they could - clean house.  To save even a shred of what they thought made them special, everyone had to be blamed.  But who really deserves the worst of it?


Mike McQueary:  Even after this week's leaked email where he said "he made sure it stopped" (which doesn't necessarily contradict the grand jury statement that he believed Sandusky and the child saw him and then presumably stopped)  people continue to hate the formerly anonymous graduate assistant for not doing enough.  It got so bad that he ended up in protective custody.  In situations like this, it's not a particularly controversial position to suggest you'd beat the shit out of a child molester.  It's a golden opportunity for everyone to act like a tough guy.  Now it's fair to say that you wish he had done more.  To wish he had thrown Sandusky down, ran out of the building with the kid and went straight to the police.  To wish he had been a hero.  But it's not fair to say that's what we all would do.  It's not.  It's what we'd like to think we would do.  To say otherwise is completely dishonest.  The only honest answer is you don't know what you'd do until you're placed in such a horrific situation.  McQueary didn't do all he could have but being a hero isn't easy.  If it was, it wouldn't be so special.


The Administrators:  These are the guys - athletic director Tim Curley and VP of Finance and Business (and overseer of campus police) Gary Schultz - facing perjury charges.  They took the report from Paterno as part of the chain of command and, instead of pursuing charges, sat on it.  They could have ensured prosecution but instead imposed a ban so toothless that Sandusky still brought children to closed practices.  That's terrible.  But they're just the fall guys here, the easy targets.  They deserve our scorn but lack the power to be the worst offenders.


Jerry Sandusky:  Undoubtedly a monster.  But he could have been stopped.  We can't see how his story doesn't end in his suicide.


(We were tempted to put his lawyer on the list as well.  If only for the fact that he let his client do this.




Two things:  (1) "Horsing Around" is now the creepiest thing ever; and (2) nobody who is not completely and utterly lying repeats the question and hesitates when asked if they are attracted to young boys.  This should play well in court. 


Joe Paterno:  He wasn't always a guy who shit his pants and got confused by questions.  He wasn't always your lovable grandfather with the big dopey glasses.  It's no stretch to say that for most of his career JoePa was (and in some ways is) the most powerful coach in sports.  Maybe even the most powerful man in the state of Pennsylvania.  So to say that he reported the incident to superiors as part of the "chain of command" is absurd.  Joe was in charge.  He had no superiors, only people with fancy titles that do work he doesn't feel like doing.  No matter that he met his legal obligations or what specifically he was told (the early statements he made about being told something vague sound a lot like an old person sanitizing the situation), he didn't do enough.  When he heard Sandusky, child and shower in the same sentence, there was no gray area.  He had to make it stop but he didn't.


(The worst part is that he must have known earlier.  Does anyone believe that in 1998 when the first complain about Sandusky was investigated, including detectives eavesdropped on his conversations and the preparation of a lengthy investigative report by the DA, Paterno wasn't told anything?  That the most powerful, plugged-in man in State College wasn't told that his defensive coordinator had gotten himself in trouble?  Sandusky's "retirement" less than a year later, at age 55, could not have been a coincidence.)

Joe had all the power.  If the coach of the mighty Penn State came out and told police that he former defensive coordinator was a child molester in 2002, Sandusky would have been in jail back then.  It's just that simple.  But he chose to protect himself and his program.  In doing so, he lost it all.  The moral high ground, winning with integrity, the sense of superiority.  All gone.  Suddenly tattoos and paying players doesn't seem so bad.  Even a conveniently timed bout with cancer won't be enough for the old man to regain his lost sympathy.

1.  Too Much Talking, Not Enough Playing, New York Jets

Everything was set up for them.  It was time for this team to finally break through.  To wrest control of the division away from a Pats team coming off two extremely difficult loses that advertised their flaws like a airplane towing a "2 for 1 Domestics" banner at the beach and made them seem as vulnerable as they had been in a decade.  It was all there for the taking and the Jets shit the bed, losing by 21 to a team featuring two first time defensive starters and still just as lacking a deep threat as it has all season.

After a safety and touchdown in the second quarter to take a 9-6 lead, Gang Green was outscored by 24 points and generally looked like the didn't belong on the same field as their rivals.  They followed up that stellar performance with another debacle, losing to Denver and allowing Tim Tebow (more on him next) to add to his legend with a 95-yard game-winning touchdown drive.

These things shouldn't happen to a team of this caliber, right?


Well, that all depends on exactly what caliber of team they are.  Thanks in large part to a rare combination of boastfulness and postseason success the Jets had everyone convinced that they were really good.  And they had been - at least on one half of the field.  In the first two seasons under Rex, the Jets defense has been excellent, ranking 1st and 3rd in total defense.  But this year, the defense has regressed (down to 8th) as teams have caught up with their schemes and started to realize that, for all their boastfulness, the defense is essentially one playmaker (Revis) and a bunch of solid guys, none of whom are big-time pass rushers.


The bigger problem, however, is the offense and its complete loss of identity.  What used to be a physical run-oriented attack is not something completely discombobulated.  Instead of committing to the running game an relieving pressure from their young quarterback, they added pressure by bringing in malcontent receivers and asking Sanchez to satisfy the unsatisfiable.

Expected to break-out in his third season Sanchez (despite what you'd heard) hasn't been awful, just average.  You don't need to look past his 57% completions (good for 29th in the league) or watch him scamper around the pocket or walk right into a sack to see how the expectations for the team far outpace the reality of where he is in his development.  Despite career highs in all the important categories, he's still not a championship level quarterback.  It's not to say he won't get there but it's going to take some time.  The team succeeding on the fast track is that the time table for a Super Bowl has been pushed up dramatically and he's not ready.

While everyone else seems keenly aware of this issue, the Jets seem completely oblivious.  That's really the only explanation as to why Rex would willingly ditch his annoyingly named "ground and pound philosophy" and throw the ball 40 times in back-to-back weeks against less than stellar defenses.

We can only imagine the the game planning conversations these guys have:

Offensive Coordinator Brian Schottenheimer:  Hey coach.  Hope I'm not interrupting anything, just wondering what kind of game plan you were thinking for this week?

Rex Ryan (puts down shoe catalog):  Ground and pound those fuckers.  That's what we're gonna do!!

BS:  I thought you might say that.  Here's the thing, I just gone done watching tape from the last two weeks and teams really exploited their secondary.  So, I'm thinking ...

RR:  GROUND AND POUND?!?!

BS:  Actually ... I was thinking we might throw the ball a bit.  After all, our quarterback was a Top 5 pick.  Plus all those receivers we brought in the last couple of years are starting to complain.

RR:  (picks up giant turkey leg) I thought we got rid of that guy?

BS:  It wasn't just one of them.  Anyway, about throwing the ball ...

RR:  Ground.  And.  Fucking.  Pound.

BS:  Ok, that's cool.  If you don't have the confidence ...

RR: (stares at leg tattoo for inspiration) Wait! I changed my mind.  Sanchez is the greatest fucking quarterback on the best fucking team in the fucking world!!  Let's do that shit!!  CHUCK AND DUCK!!  I don't care anyway, I'll be coaching MY defense.

BS:  Excellent.

Every Sane Person in the World:  Hey Guys,  Real quick, those two guys who exploited the Pats defense, they had Super Bowl winning quarterbacks and you have Mark Sanchez.  In case that didn't sink in all the way, you have MARK SANCHEZ!!  He completes like 50% of his passes and has a tendency to throw crippling interceptions after running around in the backfield pointing at people for like 5 minutes.  It's like he thinks he's still playing in his backyard in Long Beach.  He's just not that good right now.  If you give him the ball too many times, you're going to be sorry.  It's not worth it to compromise your team's identity just to try to keep too never satisfied receivers happy.  Maybe you guys should reconsider?

BS/RR:  Nah.  

For the point forward, we are officially imposing a gas order on all discussion of the New York Jets, their chances for a division title, Super Bowl aspirations and general claims of awesomeness.  The ban will remain in effect until their biggest accomplishment is something other than losing the biggest game of their season.

As for the Pats, we've been told that people "despise our column"  because we don't show them enough respect.  That's fine.  We're here to spit hot truth not kiss Belichick's rings.  Still, they deserve credit.  For all their, they still don't lose three games in a row and with a relatively easy schedule remaining (they could realistically rip off 7 straight wins) they seem like a lock yet another AFC East crown.  But, we maintain that the real test for this team will come playoff time and they have a lot of work to do.

Rating: "37 Points on the Best Defense in the League?  Suck My ... "

2.  Tebow, Tebow, Tebow Tebows; 

Nobody really doubted that this Tebow thing would be interesting.  Still, nobody thought it would involve a time machine.  The Chefs box score (8 pass attempts, 2 completions, 69 yards balanced out with 55 rushing attempts) seemed more resembles a tilt between Sid Luckman and "Slingin" Sammy Baugh than something you'd see in the pass-happy game being played today.  And the Jets one wasn't much better (9 completions to 34 team runs).

The Boncos have been smart.  Instead of attempting to answer what everyone was asking - "Can Tim Tebow could throw the ball well enough to win at the NFL level?" - they simply changed the question.  It's now - "Does he even need to."  It's incredibly interesting to watch an NFL team run what is essentially the spread option - an offense, in various forms, that has dominated college football for the better part of forever but never caught on at the pro level.  The main criticisms have been two-fold: (1) professional defenses are too smart and too fast to be exploited like college defenses are; and (2) quarterbacks are worth too much money to subject them to the pounding associated with so much running.

With Tebow's size (6'3", 230), deceptive speed and toughness, he might be the first quarterback in awhile to be able to take the hits to make it work.  As for the second criticism, these types of offenses are the ones that serve as the great equalizers in college football.  Their uniqueness and difficulty in preparation allow undermanned teams to compete, like Navy to beating teams that outweigh them by 80 pounds on average and making bowl games every year.  Denver is benefiting from that right now.  Maybe NFL defenses are too fast and too smart to let the option beat them on a week-to-week but as the sole team running it, the Broncos have a competitive advantage.

Fortune often favors the bold and while there's at least some percentage chance that if the Broncos committed fully and shifted their entire team structure to run option concepts that they could succeed, a  complete overhaul of the roster with multiple quarterbacks who can run the system (which could represent a serious Moneyball-like market inefficiency) isn't the type of thing NFL coaches are known for.   No matter how many times he wins (he's 5-3 in the last two seasons.  In game he hasn't started the team is 4-14.  Feel free to explain that for us) Tebow will have to conform to succeed.

Everyone has an opinion on Tebow but what's the point.  Plenty of quarterbacks people thought would suck have succeeded.  Plenty who were pegged to succeed have failed.  Slow starters have developed and immediate success has become a flash in the pan.  Sure, he doesn't look like one right now but who says he can't be an above-average starter with off the charts intangibles at some point.  Nobody knows.

What we do know is that it will be fun while it lasts.  The only thing we ask is that if the Broncos want to play like it's the 1940's, shouldn't they be required to go all the way - ride trains to all their games, listen to Glenn Miller, have half their team drafted to fight Nazis and be in awe of a slinky?  The Broncos are a team out of time and Tim Tebow is Captain America.

Rating:  Tebow Tebow Tebows. 

3.  Aaron Rodgers;






By now we've all heard it by now, Trent Dilfer and his slightly-flawed grammar wax poetically about how "Aaron is playing the quarterback position as good as any player he's every seen in all facets of the game."  In fact, he's been repeating it so often and so loudly that its entered the collective sports consciousness and people have adopted it as their own opinion.  He's got the heart of a lion, the quickness of a cat, the brain of a genius, the strength of a dump truck, the speed of something really fast, all that crap.  We get it.  And there really is no argument that he's playing out of this world football (all-time highs in completion % and passer rating, leading the league in touchdowns (28 with only 3 picks) and 9.7 yards per attempt) and is the the best quarterback and player (even if some of the same people who are now creaming over Rodgers were hailing Megatron 5 weeks ago) in the league.  But doesn't it feel like we have this same conversation every couple of years when a respected quarterback has a phenomenal season?


Is he really playing better than Montana in 1988 (lead the league with 70% completions, 112 QB rating, and 9.1 yards per attempt with 28 touchdowns in 13 games when 29 was the top number)?


Or Steve Young in 1994 (lead the league with 70% completions, 35 touchdowns, 112 QB rating and 8.6 yards per attempt)?


Or Kurt Warner in 1999 (lead the league with 65% completions, 41 touchdowns, 8.7 ypa and 109 QB rating) when he piloted the offense that has become the standard that every other explosive outlet is compared to?


Or Peyton Manning in 2004 when he threw a then-record 49 touchdowns and lead the league with 9.2 ypa and 121 QB rating?


Or how about Tom Brady during  2007's undefeated regular season when he threw a record 50 touchdowns while also leading the league with 69% completions, 4800 yards (300 per game), 8.3 ypa and 117 QB rating?


And that doesn't even consider some of the great seasons by guys like Marino, Elway and even the Dongslinger.  


Rodgers might have the statistical advantage over all of these guys but keep in mind that we're in an unprecedented passing league right now with more players throwing for more yards, all of the rules skewed to protect quarterbacks and get receivers open and new innovations like wide receiver screens and back shoulder throws that didn't exist when some of these guys were making their marks.  Nobody shits on Jerry West for not shooting fade-aways.


Rating:  Infinite Levels of Hyperbole.  

4.  Good Loss, Cincinnati Bengals;

There are good losses, bad losses and just plain losses.


Good losses come when young teams, just beginning to make their mark, step up in competition and play an established power or rival.  They keep the game close but lose due to inexperience and youth but not necessarily talent.  Though they go home without a victory, the team serves notice that they can compete.  


The Bengals loss to the Steelers was a good one.  Thanks to some very strewed drafting, they have two of the best rookies in football playing positions that can elevate the team over the long run.  Add in an excellent defense and the Bengals had the look of a team on the rise.  But they needed to prove it against a contender.  Show that they're record wasn't a product of luck or soft scheduling.  And they did exactly that playing the defending AFC Champions and division rival, Pittsburgh Steelers tight enough to be tied in the 3rd quarter.  Had the Ginger Assassin not been a rookie, he might not have thrown those two fourth quarter interceptions, maybe they win the game.  Had A.J. Green not gotten hurt, maybe he makes a play to keep it even closer.  Either way, the Bengals look like they belong.  

For Bengal fans this must be both an exciting and a scary time.  They been down this road before.  In 2004, they had one of the hottest young quarterback/receiver combos in the league.  The next season they won the division and looked not just like a team on the rise but one that might be around for awhile.  They weren't.  Things fell apart thanks to a busted knee and busted organization and three years later they were 4-11.  


Now they have a new quarterback and a new (potentially better) receiver.  The question remains as to whether they have the same old busted organization.  We asked a Bengal-fan friend of ours what it's like to root for a team like that, to have the excitement of good young players dampened by the knowledge that failure is lurking around the corner.  His response?  "It's like being a Mets fan."  Say no more.


Rating:  10 Mad Faces.

5.  Bad, Terrible Awful Loss, Baltimore Ravens;


Bad loses seem to happen in Seattle but that doesn't make them any better.  In fact, their awfulness is somewhat masked by a home field advantage amplified by the depressing nature of traveling to a place that rains 4 million (just an estimate) inches a year.  


Before last week, reasonable people might have pegged Baltimore as the best team in the AFC if they looked solely at their wins.  They'd beaten Pittsburgh (twice, once convincingly), the Jets, and Texans.  Those wins however are slightly overshadowed by loses to Tennessee, Jacksonville and now Seattle.  How  a team with Ray Lewis isn't fired up to play every game is beyond us.  If it weren't for the NFL he'd be leading a mass suicide in some South American jungle.  And we'd be there mixing drinks.  


Each week it becomes more clear that there are no great teams in the American Conference, only a bunch pretty good ones.  Of the six most probable playoff teams - New England, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Houston and Oakland - given the right right match-ups, a hot quarterback or defense and a few breaks, would you be surprised it any of them could end up in Indy.  The defending conference representative that can't beat its division rival?  The aforementioned division rival that only seems to play when it matters?  The team lead by a red-headed rookie quarterback?  The one with no defense or deep threat?  The team with a quarterback who was retired until earlier this month and it run by a ghost gm?  Or the one piloted by Matt Leinart?  This thing is wide the fuck open.

If it makes Raven fans feel any better, at least they didn't lose at home with their season on the line to a team quarterbacked by a dude from Fordham named Skelton.  You know it's an upset when 90% of the teams in your suicide pool are busted by one team.  It doesn't hurt as much when its the Eagles though.  With the season down the drain, its time to assess Andy Reid's future.  With all the "success" he's had and all the money the team has made during his tenure, it hard to imagine the front office making a change barring a true disaster.  Amazingly, at 3-6, we're not quite there yet.  At this point, we'll set Big Red's magic number to stay at 2.


Rating:  0 Mad Faces.

6.  Just a Loss, New York Gigantes;


For a good part of the week, we heard all about how Big Blue's loss at San Fran was somehow "good."  It was not.  A loss where you outgain the opposition by almost a hundred yards, hold their best player to 0 (no, its not a letter) yards rushing and make them rely heavily on Alex Smith is not a good loss.  It doesn't matter what the score was of if the Giants were playing Ron Dayne and Ike Hillard, the Giants should have won that game.  Still, when it happens against an 8-1 team that has "it", we can't get ourselves all excited about it, even if the Cowboys look reborn lately.

Everything will be ok once they put the last nail in the Eagles coffin on Sunday Night Football.  For once, we will be waiting all day for Sunday night.

Rating: 10 Cautiously Optimistic Faces.

7.  This Week's Reminder Why We Hate Fantasy Football - Zeroes.


Previous 5 games:  634 yards.  100 + all 5 times.  Sunday:  0 yards.  Unsurprisingly, we didn't win our game.  To add to the insult, Gore's awful performance came just in time to destroy his trade value before the deadline.

Honorable mention to the Bears defense for scoring 30 fantasy points and costing us another game we should have one.

Rating:  Fuck Frank.  

Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 9

From Someecards.com, a website we single-handedly got blocked at our old job
after wasting an entire afternoon browsing ... and there goes another two hours.

Chinese food is normally a consistent and easy food choice.  Where trying to get a sandwich could leave you with a pile of slimy turkey (or fucking lettuce.  I specifically asked for no lettuce!! Now my sandwich tastes all lettucy with lettuce juice in the bread.  Fuck lettuce.) or going for pizza could find you suffering through something that resembles good pizza as much as we resemble a successful writer.  But chinese food is different.  No matter the source, from PF Chang's to a shitty little storefront takeout joint, most times it represents a safe choice. 

Since the big knock on the cuisine (since we get the majority of our knowledge from 80's era hack comedians) is that it doesn't keep you full for long enough, the buffet format (which depends entirely on the quality of the food) should be the perfect compliment.  But it is not.  Apparently, making otherwise tasty food in bulk turns it into something more like dog shit.  It's a fucking disaster.

We're not experts on chinese cuisine.  We swore it off for a decade after suffering an allergic reaction that gave us 50-year old actress collagen lips and closed up our airway.  It may or may not have been attributable to the food, but it was enough for us.  Recently, in large part due to The Mrs' ability to get us to do things we don't want to do, we started to eat it again.  And this week we found ourself pushing the limit and walking into a Trenton-area chinese buffet.  We knew the risks (diarrhea, stomach cramps, tape worm, etc.)  but remembered the days of days gorging on unlimited crab legs and having the courage to risk salmonella.  27 seconds into the visit, our optimism was crushed.  There were no crab legs (if you charge extra you obviously don't understand the idea of a buffet kind sir).  But there was a sign (covered in some sticky substance) on the table that read:

The price of food is getting more expensive.  If you waste food we will add 15% to your check.

This was worrisome.  People don't waste good food.  That's why we're all at least slightly fat.  It's a pretty ballsy thing to tell your customers as they walk in the door: "Not only are we going to charge you to eat shitty food but if you refuse to finish it, we'll charge you more."  Instead of striving for good customer service, this place had resorted to threats.  

After three bites of of a cold, strings, nasty-ass plate of "chicken" and broccoli and a second look at the teriyaki chicken the color of us after a day on the beach without sunscreen, and we understood why the restaurant needed to go to such lengths.  We were incensed.  How could they charge us extra for refusing to eat such crap?  What kind of person would stand for this shit?

We would.  Since our fear of confrontation and utter cheapness always outweighs outrage, we choked down the last bits of our food without complaint.  45 minutes and two plates of orange jello later, we paid the bill and walked out feeling a bit queasy and a whole lot like a puss.  Our only recourse being to never go back again and to complain anonymously online.  

1.  What Else?, Pats v. Giants, Game of the Week;

When Eli hit Manningham on the corner fade to put the Giants up 17-13 in a game where their defense held the vaunted Pats offense in check while the offense made just enough plays, things felt familiar.  It was Super Bowl XLIII (or the 2007 Super Bowl for those of you not well versed in dead number systems) all over again, except this time we got a preview of how things could have gone.  Instead of scoring with 35 seconds left and forcing the Pats into a series of way too close to completed 70-yard hail mary's, the had 3 minutes.  It only took 2 minutes for them to marched down the field before Brady hit Gronkowski for what looked like it could be the winning score. 

We were reminded just how good Brady is and what happens when you give him a chance.  Given more time four years ago, Brady could have taken what was already an all-time championship contest to yet another level and the Pats would have been the best team ever.  Instead it simply ended as an all-time upset with the Giants on the field celebrating.

And that's how it ended again as the Pats left too much time for Eli.  In out discussion last week about how Giant fans still don't trust Eli, we forgot to mention one caveat - it all changes in the fourth quarter.  As much as we worry, if the game is close with two minutes left, we trust Eli to be clutch.  And we was just that on Sunday.  With an assist from Jake Ballard (who?), the Giants walked right back down the field and, for the second week in a row, the Pats fatal flaw - their awful defense - was exposed.  It's hard to win big games when your secondary doesn't understand key concepts like "turn your head around when making a play on the ball" and "don't tackle a receiver without the ball."

It was a huge win for the Giants (especially without their best receiver, running back and starting center) and one that should give them enough of a cushion to hold on to the NFC East lead as they try to navigate through their remaining schedule.  One upset victory can go a long way.  Sunday's game against the 49ers now has huge playoff implications.  San Fran has looked very, very real this year but, until further notice, Alex Smith cannot be trusted.  He'll have a chance to prove himself against the Giants pass rush. 

As for the Pats, do we need more proof they are not the same team they once were?  They'll still make the playoffs as they are plenty good to dominate bad teams (K.C., Indy, Washington, Denver, Miami) but, starting this week at Snoopy Stadium, they'll have to fight for the division.  The Pats won't lose 3 in a row, will they?

Rating:  1,000 Unabashedly Happy Faces.

2.  Philadelphia Eagles, Losers, At Home;

Ha. Ha.

Rating:  0 Mad Faces.

3.  LeSean McCoy, Best Running Back in Football, 

With all due respect to Adrian Peterson (who is by all rational measurements better) but Shady is fun to watch.  Even if he's an Eagle.  Too bad his coach hates him.

We hate to beat the carcass of a deceased bird lying on the side of the road being picked apart by scavengers, but, after McCoy's 33 yard touchdown scamper to give the Eagles a 24-17 lead with 6:44 left in the third quarter, the Eagles had 3 more possessions, ran 16 offensive plays and handed the ball off to McCoy only twice.  At no point where they down by more than six points.  Before that, McCoy was averaging almost 5.5 yards per carry in the game and Vick was completing just over 50% of his passes.  That's simply unconscionable.  We'd venture to guess that Andy will be getting a different letter than the one we wrote him last week.  At least until they beat the Cards and suddenly reignite their playoff hopes.

Rating:  7.5 Mad Faces.

4.  Shitty Running Backs

Check out these numbers: 2.5, 1.8, 3.8, 3.0, 1.5.  Those are the per-carry numbers for five Mr. Beast Mode himself, Marshawn Lynch's 7 games this season.  In the other two, his average is over 7.  This week he rumbled all over the (formerly?) formidable Cowboys defense for 135 completely and utterly undeserved yards.  Fuck him.  

Speaking of shitty running backs, the worst fantasy football pick in history, Chris Johnson, had one of his best games of the year on Sunday.  FINALLY!! Right? No.  He had 64 yards rushing and 110 total.  Holy Moley!!  Guess if you drafted him (or even worse have him as a keeper) you'll take what you can get at this point.  In related news, the nickname CJ2K will be replaced with CJ700 or CJMadeMeQuitFantasyFootball.

Finally, um ... Helu?  A franchise record 14 catches.  The Fantasy Devil is never without new tricks.

Rating:  Too annoyed to even care.  Really.  Fuck it. 

5.  AFC West, Football Purgatory;

Is it possible that a worse division could exist?  

The pre-season favorite, the Superchargers, are now 4-5 after losing 4 straight games and haven't beaten a winning team all year.  And their elite quarterback is in the midst of a legacy altering disaster of a season, having thrown 3 more picks on Sunday (including 2 that were returned for scores) and another last night.  They continue to put up big offensive numbers (6th in total yards, 11th in points) and control other teams (7th in total defense) but turn the ball over at an alarming rate (-8 turnover differential, tied for most in the league with Philly and Washington at 19) and give up absurd amounts of points (25.5, 27th in the league).  They continue to stick with the "Turner Blue Print for Disappointment" while the base of talent that once gave them the benefit of the doubt continues to erode away.  On a positive note, if 14-2 got Shottenheimer fired, missing the playoffs has to be the end of Norv, right?

Through 2 weeks it looked like the Raiders panicked and overpaid for a mediocre quarterback who through a game and a half has rewarded them with 448 yards and 3 touchdowns and 6 pesky interceptions.  After back to back loses to the Chefs and Tebows, their wins over the Jets and Texans seemed like a long time ago.  Then they go out and beat up the Chargers with Palmer playing as well as he has in years (14 for 20, 299 yards, 2 TDs).  Now they're on top of the division and in control.  Anyone who enjoyed Darrius Heyward-Bey's brief attempt at fantasy relevance should realize its over (unless of course you forgot to take him out of your line-up before last night's game).  After a nice 4 week stretch in which he averaged 5 catches and 95 yards, DHB returned to his customary goose egg on only 1 measly target against Denver and San Diego combined.   This obviously shows an extreme lack of chemistry with Palmer who obviously prefers the stylings of Jacoby Ford and even former waiver-wire star Denarius Moore (5 for 123, 2 TDs last night).  

Anyone care to explain the Chefs?  Is there anyone qualified to show how they could start 0-3 and look like the worst team in football, win 4 games in a row, including beating the Raiders and Chargers, all without their best offensive and one of their best defensive players (Charles and Berry) and then get blown out by the winless Dolphins at home?  They're awfulness has deprived us of any opportunity to get excited over that bad motherfucker J. Battle.  On a related note, they are a half game out of first place.

The Broncos victory over Oakland was nothing but interesting.  Denver used the Gator's old offense, Tebow ran the ball (12) more than he completed passes (10) passed the century mark in both categories (118 yards rushing and 124 passing) and threw 2 touchdown passes.  Predictably everyone decided that maybe they were too quick to write this kid off and Bronco fans began making baby Tebow's for their nativity sets.  The Broncos will likely continue to run the spread until defenses catch-up (how many teams are still running the wildcat?) and we'll see if Tebow can adjust (he may).  From a fantasy perspective, the Broncos offense is now Terry Schiavo.

Rating:  10 Disgusted Faces.

6.  TGIT, No.

In a battle between the NFL and Cable Companies, we wish the worst to all of them.  We don't have the NFL Network and every year about this time we are reminded why we very vaguely care about that fact when they deprive us of our right as Americans to have football games on channels that are accessible to us.  Luckily, all of their games suck.  Who's upset about missing out on that crackling Jags-Falcons match-up in Week 15.

Rating:  8 Disinterested Faces.

7. This Week's Reminder Why We Hate Fantasy Football - Long Touchdowns.

Julio Jones' line this week - 3 catches, 131 yards, 2 TDs on only 4 targets.  Absurd.  

Julio Jones' line without that absurd 80 touchdown where the Colts decided not to tackle - 2 catches, 51 yards, 1 TD on 3 targets.  Reasonable.

Rating:  Fuck Julio.

Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 8

Today's largely meaningless and inane introductory story is designed to give you a look inside the offices of the State of New Jersey.

When not working - which is often - state workers
 can be seen playing checkers on the carpet ... 

Literally.  We hope you weren't expecting some kind of expose or something.  We don't do metaphors.  Anyway, Do you see how low that railing is?  We're not quite 6 feet tall (5'11 and 1/2" to be exact!!) and it barely comes up to our waist.  When you look over the railing you see this:

 ... or jumping to their deaths.

That's a beautiful 8-story drop.  So, only the only thing separating us from certain death is a 4 foot glass and metal wall.  That and, we suppose, the will to live.  Walking by it feels like the even the slightest misstep will send you tumbling over the edge.  Makes our legs wobbly every time.  And we're not alone, people routinely stick to the middle of the hallway to avoid getting too close.  Physically that's scary enough but mentally its even more terrifying.

We consider ourself to be generally well adjusted.  We're generally fond of life.  And we have absolutely no desire to kill ourselves or anything like that.  But we feel constantly like we're going to be sucked over the edge like the sirens pulling us toward the rocks.  Again, we have no desire to jump.  And we'd expect that, under normal circumstances, you'd have to be profoundly sad to think about splattering yourself across the lobby.  But this thing is so disturbingly enticing that you could just be having a bad day before you realize you just passed the fourth floor.  Fight with your wife in the morning?  Good-bye.  Lose in the fantasy football playoffs?  You're done.  Check the readership stats of your blog?  No reason to go on.  Sit in your windowless, characterless office for the entire day? You've had enough.  Eat a bad grape?  Fuck land.

In a world as constantly and mildly depressing as ours, the state really should do more to protect us from ourselves.  It's just too easy.

1.  Pittsburgh Patriots;


It was fitting that on the eve of All-Hallows-Eve, that Ben Roethlisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers would  dress up like the Pats, knock them off their bikes and steal their candy.  Instead of trying to run the ball down their throats,  Pittsburgh controlled the clock with short, efficient passing.  In the first quarter alone, the Steelers passed on 21 of their first 26 plays from scrimmage and kept the ball for 13.5 minutes, including 55 yards from tight end Heath Miller.  For the game, Oversized Benji threw the ball 50 times and Pittsburgh doubled up New England in time of possession (40 to 20).  After a slow start, the Super Bowl losers look like legitimate challengers for a return engagement.  Look for them to continue their roll in round 2 of their street fight with Baltimore this weekend.

As for the Pats, is it possible to be highly disappointed in a team that has won 19 of its last 24 regular season games?  It's hard to complain about a team that wins that many games, but aside from the excellent passing offense, but we'll try.  First the easy ones, they don't run the ball (we'll stop short of saying "can't" because they rarely try) and don't seem to be able to stop anyone. (Is Belichick still a defensive genius at this point?)  Even the passing game, which is their calling card, is flawed.  The Steelers crowded all the short routes and exposed the Pats utter lack of a deep threat.  Someone like, say, Randy Moss.  Without a guy like that, the team seems to be made up of Tom Brady and a bunch of guys who are really good at getting 4 yards.  Any team that can combine that with the ability to get after Brady will make them much, much less efficient.  They can win all the regular season games they want playing this style but they're not the dynasty we once knew.  At best, they're different.  At worst, they're inferior.

Rating:  0 Mad Faces.

2.  Eli-te Manning, Quarterback, New York Giants;

Is it possible to find a positive in a game in which your favorite team falls behind a winless, hopeless Dolphin team 14-3 at home?  If you look hard enough.  In the offseason, Eli set off a firestorm of manufactured controversy when he said that he believed he was an elite quarterback in the same class as Tom Brady.  A week of "Eli claims he's better than Brady" stories and jokes about his awfulness, most sane people came to the conclusion that: (1) they would want their quarterback do say the same thing, especially coming off a 25 pick season; (2) as any good lawyer would tell you, the truth of his statement depends on how you define the term "class."  As it stands today (with Peyton in one of those foam neck collars people use to fake injuries) there are three quarterbacks that stand a cut above the rest - Brady, Rodgers and Brees (in that order).  But, Eli's play this season has most putting him comfortably at the top of the second tier.  

Check out the numbers:  304 yards per game (4th), 65% completion percentage (5th), 8.8 yards per attempt (2nd), 13 touchdowns (7th), 3:1 TD to INT ratio.

Consider that he's doing this with an offensive line in transition, after losing two of his most reliable targets to free agency - The Other Steve Smith and Kevin Boss (a player made infinitely more popular by the coolness of his last name and its allusion to Springsteen) -  and while bearing as much responsibility for his team's success as any quarterback in the league.  The hype isn't unwarranted.

Brees, Rodgers and Romo to prove his recent play isn't a streak but more of a permanent ascendance.  He can change the conversation from "how could he say he's that good" to "how could we ever have doubted him."  It all starts this weekend when the Giants will likely ask Eli to to pick apart the Pats defense like the Steelers did.  If he can do that, we're all in.

All this raises a lingering question about Eli.  Why doesn't he get more respect?  Quarterbacks who have accomplished far less in the league are talked about in more glowing terms (Vick, Stafford, Schaub, Romo) while Eli stares at his Super Bowl MVP award and wonders what more he needs to do.

His problem is he just doesn't look how people we think a star quarterback should.  Certain people exude leadership through their physical size, their mannerisms, intelligence and the way they carry themselves.  They have a certain "it" quality that makes people believe that person is better and worth placing their trust in.  Fandom isn't' exempt from this phenomenon.  Fans look at their quarterback and expect him to demonstrate those characteristics.  Of course, we only see the outside and not how the player acts in the locker room or or how they lead on the field.  We're left only with our perception.  And with his lankiness, sloped shoulders and really goofy faces, Eli don't inspire confidence.  Add in the fact that we're constantly reminded he's "just" Peyton's little brother and we're predisposed to doubt him.  Of course, perception and reality often differ.  And at 6'4" 220 lbs, any reasonably sized person who ran into Eli would find him imposing and, all sings point to him being a clutch leader on the field.

Peyton suffers a little from this as well.  He's just a goofy looking dude on the field.  Think about how he falls like a dead tree when sacked.  Give him Montana's smoothness or Elway's physicality and would his one Super Bowl win be enough to validate his regular season exploits and make him hands-down the best ever?

Rating:  10 of these:

3.  Away from Home, Bad, New Orleans Saints;


Last week we wrote that the league was getting boring with all the horrible teams seemingly caring more about draft position than wins.  We also said we liked the Rams team to finish strong - as long as Sam Bradford was healthy.  Is is possible to be 150% wrong?  In what is now the most shocking result of the season, the Rams and Adam Joshua Feeley beat up the Saints and knocked countless people out of their "Suicide Pools."  It was a great game for the Rams, they picked Brees off twice, returning one for a touchdown, got almost a season's worth of sacks from Chris Long (3) and reminded everyone why they used to love Steven Jackson (25 carries, 159 yards, his first 100 yard game in 10 starts).

But, as it often is, the game tells us more about the loser than the winner.  And this one reminds us that for all the goodwill and offensive firepower the Saints possess, it's a great deal less effective on the road.  The numbers seem to support that theory.  Even taking out the 52 points against the Colts, the Saints still average ten more points per game (35 v. 25) at home and give up an extra four (27 v. 23).  Brees has thrown 8 of his 10 picks on the road this year.  Worse yet, they average more than yard less per carry away from the Superdome.  Not good.

Still, the St. Louis debacle aside, the losses to the Bays (Green and Tampa) aren't exactly embarrassing.  And they've played 5 of their first 8 games on the road so a few loses were inevitable.  We think it's more likely that the Ram loss proves that the Saints are just like a dozen or so other teams in the league - good but flawed.  The Saints have a spectacular passing game with a quarterback leading the league with 343 yards per game and is on pace to obliterate Dan Marino's single season yardage record (one he came within 15 yards of in 2008) and a defense that can't stop the run (24th).  As the Saints showed last year, anyone can be had in a road playoff game, even the defending Super Bowl champions against a team that didn't even deserve to be in the tournament.  This year's Saints are no different.

Rating:  5 Mad Faces.

4.  The "Real" Philadelphia Eagles;


Dear Andy Reid:

Remember all that bad stuff we said about you in the last few weeks, about how we wanted the team to go down in flames just so you'd get fired?  And how you are a fat, smug bastard and a bad parent and that we wanted you to die a cruel and horrible death?  Yeah, we're sorry about that.  We, um, were having a really bad couple of months there.  Work was difficult and the kids needed braces so we took out our frustrations on you.  Our anger was totally misplaced.  So, we're sorry and we are so excited to watch this team win the SUPER BOWL BABY!! Fuck yeah!!  Everything is awesome and the Eagles are the best team in the league.  By far.

So, hopefully you can forgive us for all the terrible things we said about you personally and your family, we get a little crazy.  We just love the Eagles so much, sometimes we have to kill them.

Lovingly Yours,

Eagles Fans.

P.S.  JUAN CASTILLO IS THE GREATEST DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING!!!!  WIDE NINE BITCHES!!

(Places letter next to one containing death threats to Eagles management and waits for the outcome of Monday night to determine which to send.)

So, that's what the Eagles were supposed to look like, huh?  Yikes.  At this point the formula is pretty clear, right?  Run with ball with McCoy = win.  Forget to run the ball = lose.  The next few weeks will show us how good Big Red is at math.

Rating:  5 Scared Faces.

5.  Collars, Not Blue, Detroit Lions;


Is anyone else getting a little sick of the Lions and all their talking?  Has a team gone from lovable upstart to hated boor faster than this one?  We've always been a bit of a closet fan of the Lions.  Like most, we remember thoroughly enjoying their Thanksgiving day appearances featuring our favorite player of all time, Barry Sanders, and the coolest uniforms ever.  They even managed to give an RU alum a shot one year when Mike McMahon tried a furious comeback against the Cowboys.

For as much fun the beginning of this renaissance was, it got tired quickly.  This team is the exact opposite of the Chrysler commercials that are 100% responsible for the rebirth of the Motor City.  Those commercials are understated and cool.  They manage to advertise a product while leaving you alone.  They let you decide whether they like what they have to offer.  They make you want to ignore the murder rate and go hang out with Kid Rock and Eminem on 8 Mile.  The Lions are the exact opposite.  They desperately want you to recognize how great they are.  Especially the defense.  Every week Ndamukong Suh is discussing how he's just so goddamn special that the league can't officiate him while the rest of the guys make noise.  They make you want to contribute to the murder rate.

This week they just start opening mocking Tim Tebow:



Yes, it's funny (and no, we don't think it's mocking his religion as much as his self-seriousness and hype).  And while we fully support their right to be loudmouth jerks, that doesn't mean we have to like them if they do it.  Apparently, they've forgotten what it's like to stink.

The other thing that bothers us about the Lions (there is always another thing) is the "blue collar" label they've somehow earned.  Again, it's probably 99% attributable to the aforementioned commercial, but this team is decidedly not blue collar.  They are not a group of scrappy overachievers playing beyond expectations.  The team's three best players are a #1 overall quarterback who looks like he should permanently be holding a beer pong cup and wearing a backward hat, a #2 overall receiver who is perhaps the most physically gifted player at his position ever (the Megatron nickname was cool, but it has gotten significantly less cool now that Mike Greeny has started using it in everyday conversation.  He is officially your parents ruining) and a #2 overall defensive tackle who was instantly dominant.  It doesn't matter if the other 49 guys are all Rudy, those three guys make the label completely inapplicable.

Finally, let's take a quick second to send a quick thank you to Calvin Johnson for living up to his potential this season and filling us with regret and envy every week when he's not in our line-up.  We have a crush on you Calvin and we're not afraid to tell you.

Rating:  10 ">Tebow's."

6.  Neck, Peyton Manning, Center of the Universe;

Someday it will heal.  The nerve will regrow and the discussion will end and he'll step back on the field.  And on that day, the Colts will go from the worst team in the league to a Super Bowl contender.  But that day is not today.  For today is still about necks.  And draft position.  And the specter of Andrew Luck.

We're already on "record" (going on the record here is akin to talking to yourself) as saying that Peyton will play this year and when he does, the Colts will win enough games to make Andrew Luck a moo point.  BUT that doesn't mean this doesn't make for an interesting debate.  If the Colts do end up picking first overall, do they: (1) draft Andrew Luck and make him Peyton's apprentice; (2) trade down to another spot in the Top 5, pick a player who can help Peyton try to win ring #2 and add additional assets; or (3) draft Luck and move Peyton.

On a scale of rational to "Our Love of Adam Morrison's NBA Potential in 2006", option 1 is clearly the most preferable.  The team potentially locking up the most important position in football for some 30 years while still keeping the best quarterback most of us will ever see for as long as he can play, is a general manager's wet dream.  (Peyton misses the year and we draft Andrew Luck and I .....)

(The gap between Bradshaw and Roethlisberger for the Steelers - one of he most successful teams in league history - was 21 seasons from Bradshaw and Roethlisberger.  If you don't think the Colts would like to avoid their own Brister, O'Donnell, Tomczak, Kordell and Tommy Maddox Eras - YOU ARE CERTIFIABLY INNNNNNNSAAAAAANE!!)

The middle option is just that the middle.  It's the last option that seems the most ludicrous but also the most interesting.  Assuming he's healthy, how could the team let Manning go?  Anyone could write a thousand words on how important he is to the Colts but only four are needed - He is The Franchise.  Still, drafting the his heir apparent could be enough to make Peyton want to leave.  Since his contract is apparently only a one year deal with a 4-year option, it would be easier than you think.  Maybe he'd walk for nothing but declining the option would be a clean and easy break.  If Luck becomes the player they think he'll be they'll have a (the?) top young quarterback at something like $6m a year rather than $20m.  That type of cap flexibility would allow them to retool in a hurry.

But since we make the rules, we're going to unveil a secret fourth option.  For lack of anything creative, we're calling it "The Pimp Move."  The Pimp Move would be to extend Peyton and then draft Luck.  Then, after a year of healthy, typical Peyton play (and a return to the playoffs and playoff money) turn around and trade Manning for three first round picks to a team that's a quarterback away from winning the title.  (Think replacing Alex Smith with Peyton Manning and putting him and Harbaugh together wouldn't be fun?)  Those picks and Luck become the foundation for another 10-year string of playoff appearances and punch the Polian Hall-of-Fame ticket.

People will point to the 49ers (Montana to Young) and the Packers (Favre to Rodgers) as evidence that the transition will inevitably be super smooth.  The big difference there is that, at the time those teams cut bait with their legend, they already knew what they had in the back-up.  They'd seen the guy practice and play for years (in Young's case he started 29 games in Tampa and San Fran before Montana left) and could gauge how things would go.  If the Colts draft Luck and immediately move Peyton, they're betting entirely on their evaluation of Luck.  If they do that, they'd better be real sure they don't have a bust on their hands.  Luck is considered a sure-thing but as many #1 overall quarterbacks fail as succeed and teams often pay for trying to get too cute. 

What would you do?

Rating:  3 of these:

This picture is named "PeyPeyFace."

7.  Reminder Why We Hate Fantasy Football This Week, Zombie Running Backs, Miami Dolphins;

Zombies contributes over $5 billion to our economy.  Zombie Reggie Bush contributes 100 yards to our fantasy teams once every 5 years against the New York Giants.  You have been warned.  While not performing on the field, Bush can be seen staring in AMC's season two of "The Walking Dead."

Rating:  0 Mad Faces.  We still wear your USC #5 Reggie.  Maybe someday you'll grow up to make it less embarrassing.