Fiction v. Fact - What If The Liberty Mutual "Doing the Right Thing" Commercial Happened in Real Life?

As part of our constant effort to write about things that nobody gives a half-a-shit about, we've setting our sights on that endlessly annoying "Doing the Right Thing" commercial by Liberty Mutual to figure out what would happen if these scenes played out in real life.  We call it "Fiction v. Fact."  Which is totally different from the Movies.com "Fiction v. Reality" column.  (And if it's not.  Well.  Um. Parody!?!?)

We've all seen the commercial.  It's been on about 1,000 times a day for a year. It has a song in it that you always think you should look up but never remember. (It's "Amen Omen" by Ben Harper.)  And according to the very company's very helpful website:

In "Doing the Right Thing", a series of people demonstrate that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Implying of course that Liberty Mutual would rather do the "right" thing that fuck its customers over to protect its bottom line.  Which is obviously absurd.  And a commercial full of the kind of shit that doesn't happen in real life unless if involves old person with nothing better to do than mettle isn't going to change our mind.  

Scene #1:  A blind lady (despite the lack of stereotypical "Ray Charles" sunglasses, we know she's blind thanks to that helpful cane)  wanders haphazardly though a crowded train station.  

Fiction:  Right before she's about to run cane-first into bag, a man saves the day and moves it.  An inoffensively-brown guy watches while on his cellphone.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  Instead of a cane, the blind lady has a "seeing-eye" dog that everyone always wants to pet and gets all disappointed when she tells them they can't.  And then they do it anyway because, heck, she'll never see them do it.  The dog leads he around the abandoned bag just in time to avoid a mishap while the guy on the cellphone laments to his on-again/off-again girlfriend that "some blind woman just missed busting her ass on a suitcase in the middle of the train station," thinking it would have been hilarious.  His girlfriend fails to see the humor and tells him he's mean and they're "off-again" before hanging up.  Some nervous old woman sees the abandoned bag (which isn't really abandoned but just left by some guy who thought his wife was watching it while he went to pee) and calls the police to report a "suspicious package."  The police investigate, closing the station for 4 hours and ruining a thousand commutes.  The police end up arresting the brown dude because he's brown.  He narrowly avoids water boarding but ends up on a "No-Fly List."  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #2:  In a soccer game, an uncoordinated white guy brutally slide-tackles his opponent.

Fiction:  After the tackle, the Inoffensively-Brown Guy helps the tackled player with a smile.  Ms. Smiley looks on smiling.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  The white guy is Central American.  And he's frustrated because the other guy has been flopping all day (this is soccer after all).  So he slide-tackles the shit out of him.  The tackled guy can't get up on account of the gruesome open fracture of his tibia.  Inoffensively-Brown Guy's attempt to help is misinterpreted as taunting and he ends up with a red card and a black eye.  Ms. Smiley passes out at the sight of exposed bone.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #3:  A balding man drops all his papers as he gets off the bus.

Fiction:  Ms. Smiley passes up her chance to get on the bus and helps him pick up his papers.  Discman looks on.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  Nobody carries paper anymore so the bald man actually drops his old Compaq laptop on the ground, under the bus, and in a puddle.  Ms. Smiley fakes like she's looking for her bus fare in her pocket and quickly scurries onto the bus.  She's already running late and HAS to stop at Starbucks before her hair appointment.  The bus quickly pulls away, crushing the laptop.  Since he has no back-up copy of his big presentation, baldy's meeting goes horribly and his company loses the account.  He gets fired and ultimately ends up homeless.  As she gets on the bus, Ms. Smiley shares a momentary "Sucks to be That Guy, Doesn't It?" look with Discman.  But after he makes the mistake thinking its an invitation for further conversation, she shuts him down with an unprovoked "I have a boyfriend" (which she doesn't).  But he only wanted to be friends anyway.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #4:  A woman and her baby are in line at the grocery store.  

Fiction:  Discman - whose diet apparently consists of little more than cheap popcorn - gallantly lets the Crying Baby Lady in line.  The creepy stalker in the background leers on.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  As the sounds of the screaming child grow closer, Discman goes into full box-out mode, turning his back, preventing to check his cell phone and generally trying to ignore Crying Baby Lady as he grows more perplexed as to why she can't just SHUT THAT FUCKING BABY UP!!  Or at least be courteous and show any other time when he's not there.  Right before he walks out the door, he turns around just slightly and giver her a really nasty look.  The Leering Guy leers.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #5:  Caught by the wind, a child's inflatable tube rolls off the beach.  

Fiction:  The Leering Guy catches it before it gets to the street.  A biking woman looks on.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing..  

Fact:  The Leering Guy is nowhere near the beach as he's too busy planning how he's going to explain to Crying Baby Lady how much he's loved her ever since that day when she asked him if he knew where the taco shells were.  And that, while she doesn't know him and might be a little scared, they're soul mates.  And how he hopes she likes the collage he made of pictures he took while she was changing in her bedroom.  And wondering if he'll have to kill her like the last one.  With the Leering Guy not around, the tube flies aimlessly onto the path causing Bike Lady to lose control and run into a rollerblader who falls awkward and breaks his collarbone.  Before quickly riding away.  The rollerblader misses several months of exercising in odd and outdated ways.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #6:  A woman is raking her yard for the first time in decades, apparently.

Fiction:  Bike Lady, whose lawn is virtually finished, comes over and helps.  A man across the street washing his car.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  Instead of helping, Bike Lady quickly finishes raking, stopping blatantly at the property line, so she can call her other neighbor and bitch about how Edna can't keep her fucking house clean and its killing property values (you should SEE her fence.  It's just rotting away!!).  After she goes inside, Edna makes sure to subtly rake some of her excess leaves back onto Bike Lady's lawn.  And then lets her dog shit in the mums.  Across-the-street-guy daydreams away and just keeps lustily rubbing.  And rubbing.  And rubbing his car.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #7:  Someone pukes on the break room floor.

Fiction:  Mr. Rub walks in a promptly cleans it up.  A woman enjoying some leftover chicken fails to notice the giant spill on the floor.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  Mr. Rub is the short-tempered boss who takes out all the unhappiness in his personal life on his employees.  When he that Chicken Lady ignored the spill, he immediately belittles her to the point of tears and implies that she should take the responsibility of cleaning up after her coworkers because she's a woman.  Because everyone is afraid to get fired in a shitty economy, they ignore the tirade and allow it to continue.  Chicken Lady raises the issue with HR but nothing is ever done and she's eventually forced to leave for a lower-paying job.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #8:  Chicken Lady holds the door open.


Fiction:  Holy shit it's the blind lady from Scene #1.  Are we in some sort of time loop?  That would explain everything.  All our character must all be stuck in some altered state of consciousness (like purgatory, but don't call it purgatory) where they are stuck together  (because they were all so important in each others lives) until they learn that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.  By the looks of things, there is a non-denominational church in their future.


Fact:  Upon seeing the blind woman coming, Chicken Lady makes a beeline for the other door to avoid having to hold the door until the next seven "I'm in such a hurry to get to work that I'm going to take advantage of you and you kindness" assholes pretend they didn't notice her standing there holding the door for 20 minutes.  Because that other way would just be a really shitty ending.  Just so damn unfulfilling.